100 Best Corny Jokes that Will Make it Hard for you to ...

Grammar, spelling, formatting, on mobile, forgiveness, I’m human, this all happened several years ago, blah blah blah. Seriously, y’all are on Reddit so you know the drill. While this post could probably be broken up into multiple parts, I’m only using it as a bit of therapy so you get the whole proverbial cake all at once rather than going at it piece by piece. Once it’s written out I’m hoping that I won’t have to think about the specifics for a very long while. Plus I’m a little shy about sharing so that’s another reason why this has to be all in one go or not at all. I hope this is the correct place to post this story, if not your advice is more than welcome.
Warning... This turned out a LOT longer then I originally intended. The details run long but for me it’s necessary. I’m also a wordy writer... Oh, there is not too much dialogue either besides what I distinctly remember. I don’t see the point in embellishing an already crazy story. I probably won’t remember to put a TL:DR at the end either so just refer to the title lol. Sorry about that. Grab a beverage and a snack and strap in for the roller coaster ride.
Flashback to the year 200X. June. A beautiful day. Sunny. Slightly below average temperature for that time of year. A nice breeze that kept us all cool while we were all crammed together on the school’s football field. Perfect conditions for my high schools’ commencement exercises (aka graduation). The family members were seated. The music started. We high school seniors began the march to our seats. We sat. Speeches. Applause. Corny dad-jokes from our principal. Then the important part - the diplomas. We were called up one by one in alphabetical order. My maiden name began with a B so my turn to walk the stage and receive my diploma came relatively quickly. Applause (Most likely only from my parents and aunt and maybe a few claps from the families of my few friends. My family had moved so I had actually transferred into this school nearly in the middle of my senior year and didn’t have much of an established presence.). I returned to my seat and happily watched my friends and classmates have their own moments.
Some time later the final students name was called. We turned our tassels. Another speech from the principal admonishing us to remember that we were now adults and needed to act responsibly. Wished us the best of luck in our futures. I’m assuming that was the gist of his final speech. Totally didn’t pay attention (typical teenage attitude) Yada yada yada. FINALLY we were officially dismissed for the last time. We all cheered. Caps were tossed. It was an amazing moment. Totally like what you see on young adult television shows and tween movies. After getting quick hugs and congratulations from my best friends parents I excused myself and went to go look for my parents and aunt. I looked all over the field, in the parking lot, and everywhere in between. No beaming mother. No proud father. No aunt to smile and be happy for me. They were gone.
Overly long backstory
My aunt was (and still is unfortunately) totally entitled and oblivious of how the world really works to boot. Growing up I remember hearing bits and pieces of her “interesting” life. She had been married and subsequently divorced several times by this point. She had no concept of personal discipline or financial prudence so she had several creditors after her. She always had something wrong with her or her life. No one understood what she was going through. She needed help. The world hated her and people were out to get her. Nothing was ever her fault. It was always someone or something else. She has two children with two different men and thinks that they can do no wrong, despite them both eventually serving multiple stints in jail and drug rehab programs. To make a stupidly long story just a tiny bit shorter, she was an entitled dingbat. I love her because she is family but I can’t stand her now. Seriously if she was on fire I probably wouldn’t waste my spit on her.
About six months prior to my graduation and nearly as soon as we had unpacked from our move, she ended up moving into our house. It was just her, as her kids were both with their fathers at this point, and literally the only thing my parents asked as compensation was that she take care of some basic house chores (dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, etc...). Honestly I don’t remember why she had to move in with us but it was probably a financial issue of some sort as she never did have two pennies to rub together and probably got evicted (she was currently between husbands at this time btw). I could be wrong and she might have had a more legitimate reason but I was only 17 (18 by graduation) so more or less oblivious to everything. The first couple of weeks were really fun! We would stay up on the weekends together and watch old Alfred Hitchcock and The Twilight Zone shows and movies. She even taught me how to make homemade flour tortillas and real guacamole. In the beginning she was like a big kid. Almost like a sister (as an only child this was a new concept to me).
Then it all began to fall apart. One day she didn’t feel well. Her back hurt. Her hands hurt. A million ailments. It was always something and she obviously enjoyed the limelight. She couldn’t vacuum because her back hurt too badly. She couldn’t wash the dinner dishes because she was sure she had arthritis in her hands. She had looked up her symptoms online so she KNEW what was wrong with herself. Seriously guys, we need to petition the World’s governments to pass a law that people like my aunt can NOT visit medical diagnosis websites. Anyway, It wasn’t that she didn’t WANT to help out around the house (which was my parents ONLY stipulation for her staying with us rent free) it was just that she “was sick” or her “arthritis was acting up” and COULDN’T. Right... So all the chores my folks asked her to take care of (in lieu of rent...) became my job. Vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, dusting, dishes, laundry, cooking dinner, etc.... EVERY day. On top of school and homework (Maybe that’s why those six months were cloudy and fuzzy - lack of sleep!).
Over the weeks and months she had more and more doctor appointments and apparently she found one willing to indulge her fantasy of ill health in order to get a bigger paycheck for himself. She had more and more restrictions as to what she could or couldn’t do (in regards to how much time standing or a maximum weight she could lift). Her doctor began prescribing her crazy amounts of pills to take “for the pain,” her “anxiety,” and god only knows what else. Now on top of her issues she began calling herself disabled and began demanding that we three (mom, dad, and me) do things for her that she was perfectly capable of doing a just couple of days or weeks before. She needed help making her bed, making her breakfast, etc... She had no job. She would sleep until a crazy late hour in the afternoon, come downstairs to the main family television, demand that she watch her shows, do practically nothing the rest of the day besides watch tv and eat (she never seemed to have trouble waddling, without struggle or pain I might add, between the fridge in the kitchen and the living room couch balancing snacks and sodas...), then be back in bed by 9pm or so. Of course demanding silence as she needed to rest to feel better. She had no hobbies. No friends. No household contributions. No discipline. No motivation.
My home life was now playing out exactly like my own ridiculously tacky soap-opera starring Cinderella or something because there was always some kind of drama - my aunt having XYZ problems, my parents exasperated but never standing up for themselves in their own home, and me playing the role of some kind of servant and “whipping boy (girl).” My folks began catering to aunties every demand in order to, in their own minds, keep the peace. All of my aunt’s chores fell to me to complete on top of school and homework. If I ever spoke up about it all I was told to quit being a selfish brat. I needed to be grow up, recognize that auntie was sick, life’s not fair, and I need to pitch in and be a contributing member of the family, blah, blah,blah. I had zero free time between school, catching up on graduation requirements, household chores, cooking dinner, and taking care of/ waiting on my aunt. Even weekends were spent with chores and homework.
Eventually my “dear” auntie’s corrupt doctor prescribed a wheelchair for her day to day activities. Apparently he thought that her back issues had developed into a serious problem and her doctor thought it was in her best interest to not have her walking around much. By this point I knew her doctor was a quack and shady as heck but I figured he was still a doctor and an adult. so no need to press for a second opinion. Being young I naively believed that surely he knew what he was doing (yeah he did, he wanted a paycheck...). Yay... So yeah, a wheelchair. It was a ridiculous and clunky thing. She could barely navigate it around the main floor of our house (though never had an issue climbing the stairs to her bedroom). She insisted on taking it wherever we went and she also coerced my parents into trading in one of their cars for an SUV in order to fit the four of us and her chair. Most embarrassing was when my mom, auntie, and I would go to the grocery store. In leu of her own wheelchair she would always grab one of the stores electric ones. She would often forget her “disability” in order to walk quickly and grab something she forgot and I can’t even begin to count the dirty looks we got. It was obvious that she had no physical issues and all she did was take a chair from someone who might have truly needed it.
Aunt and I didn’t spend much time together anymore by this point because 1. I had my end of year finals and other schoolwork prior to my graduation, 2. I literally had no free time due to all the extra chores, and 3. I just couldn’t stand being around her anymore. This woman was... well I can’t think of a categorization for her as it would be an insult to the fellow people/items/things classified as such. Even to call her a “Karen” would be an insult to other “Karen’s.” Seriously, NOTHING was wrong with her physically. I had spied her at several businesses when she was out on her own and such walking around (even carrying the store’s hand baskets with the things needed. Walking fine. No wheelchair in sight. She might have mental issues (looking back I have strong theories...) but there was definitely nothing wrong in regards to her body or bodily functions. Her back and legs might hurt but if she would get some exercise and lose a few pounds she’d most likely be relieved of those pains. If she would get off the copious number of bogus prescriptions she would not feel tired, weak, or fuzzy all the time. And Redbull and other caffeinated or alcoholic beverages are no good for anyone yet she seemed to be going through several of each daily based on the number of empty cans and bottles I found in her room later. She just used her (shady) doctor to continue her “poor me” persona. She liked the attention.
So yeah, the weeks pass and now my high school graduation was looming. My parents were (at that point) over the moon at my coming commencement exercises and advancement into the grownup world. They were so proud because I worked my butt off to keep my grades high and also fulfill the graduation requirements of my new school (This state had a specific requirement that high school seniors completed and received a passing grade on a portfolio of a number of written pieces. This portfolio is normally worked on over all four years of high school. So yeah, as I had transferred in halfway through the school year I had something like six-ish months to finish and pass what my peers had close to four years to complete.) All was generally good in my world outside of the house. Inside the house was different as there was a lot of tension building. My aunt was pretty quiet in the week or so before the ceremony. She went around with a rather sour expression on her face that only got worse when a package from my grandparents (her and my moms parents) arrived. They had sent me a very nice check, a beautifully monogrammed bible, and a 24 karat gold necklace with a diamond solitaire pendant as a graduation gift (all the graduating grandkids in our family received something similar from them, though the boys in the family received a gold watch rather than a necklace). Other cards, gifts, notes, and letters came from other family members and close family friends and it was all displayed in the living room on a console table by the stairs.
The day comes. Yay graduation! It was such a happy day! My mom did my hair in a beautiful braid and I had a new dress and shoes that I bought and paid for myself. As a finishing touch I accessorized with my beautiful new necklace from my grandparents. When I come downstairs my dad seemed choked up and gave me a big hug, calling me a beautiful young woman. My aunt didn’t say a word and only glared at my neck as she sat impatiently in her wheelchair. When she wheeled herself around to head to the SUV in the garage she “accidentally” rammed into the side table where my graduation cards were placed, knocking almost everything onto the floor. She made some sort of a halfhearted apology and commented about how our house was so small. I was determined that she wouldn’t bring my day down so I tried to ignore her mood as best I could. I simply picked everything back up and arranged everything neatly back on the table.
I rode to the school with my parents and aunt (with her wheelchair of course). They dropped me off at the front entrance because I had to be there early for preparations and such and the three of them decided to run to a nearby store for a few drinks and to kill a bit of time before the ceremony started (I had to be there two hours early). My aunt was still in a sour mood and complained that she was hot (note the beautiful weather conditions of the day above) and thirsty. Her back was hurting already. She needed to take her pills, NOW. My dad sighed and told me that he promised they would get back quickly, saying they’d return long before the scheduled start time and they’d find me and let me know when they get back. I waved them off and I headed inside my school to take care of graduation stuff.
Fast forward about two hours. We students were gowned up and sported the typical half cardboard half ribbon and glue caps on our heads. It was time for everything to start but I hadn’t seen my folks arrive back yet. I figured it was no big deal. The place was pretty packed (it was the early 2000’s so no plague doctors or social distancing that we endure today lol) and they probably couldn’t get through to let me know they were there. We lined up and the ceremony started. Music. Marching. Speeches. Blah, blah, blah. My name was called. I heard cheering and looked into the crowd to see that my family was indeed there as they promised. I flashed the obligatory smiles for the schools pictures and then walked off the stage and filed back to my seat. I spent the rest of the ceremony happily cheering for my friends and simply basked in the sunshine and happiness of the day.
After we turned our tassels, were dismissed, and finally released to go to meet our loved ones, I was accosted by my friends and their families. My best friends family hugged me and we all congratulate each other. Excusing myself, I began to look around for my own family. They’re nowhere to be seen. I looked everywhere but I couldn’t find any of them. My happy little bubble burst. The happy day suddenly disappeared and I was left with a sick feeling in my chest. Not only were my parents and aunt not there, but I had no way to get home. There was no way I could have walked home as we lived miles away in suburbia. Plus heels (girls I know y’all understand). All I could do was just stand there in the rapidly emptying parking lot, alone and crying, wearing my graduation gown with my diploma and cap in my hand.
Now that you’ve gotten the novel length backstory let’s return to the event at hand
After the ceremony my best friends mom saw me standing by myself as they were all walking to the parking lot to go home. She walked over to me asking if everything was ok and where my parents were. She said she wanted to meet my parents so they could all congratulate themselves on raising two more amazing young women for society. Typical happy parent feelings I guess. That’s when I finally looked up at her and she saw my tears. After some mumbled conversation between us (can’t remember what I said exactly but more or less that I was stranded) she frowned and said that they would take me home. All this happened before cell phones were a common thing so there was no way to easily contact anyone else and this was my best (and only, if we are being honest) option.
I got in their van and my best friend saw my face. She had been witness to a lot of stuff in regards to my parents and entitled aunt over the past months and all she could do was squeeze my hand in sympathy. She was holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and baby’s breath that she had received from her parents and seemed slightly embarrassed that my parents hadn’t done the same. I only smiled and said that they were gorgeous and I was happy for her. The ride to my house was pretty quiet with only a little tense conversation. My best friends dad was very quiet and drove with a grim expression on his face. I remember seeing him look in the rearview mirror at me once, and he just seemed concerned for me and a little confused about the behavior of my family.
We finally arrived at my home and sure enough my parents SUV was indeed there in the driveway. Best friends mom turned around in her seat and said that she wanted to walk me to the door and make sure all was alright with my folks and aunt (Aka - probably confront them and chew them out for stranding me like that on my graduation day. They’re all Hispanic and have absolutely zero mouth filters. I love them to death!). I said no and that I would be ok. She squeezed my hand and after thanking them for the ride home I stepped out of their van. My best friend leaned out of the van door before I was able to slide it closed and handed me a rose from her own bouquet. She made me promise to call her if I needed her. This girl was and still is the best and dearest friend I have ever had and I love her like a sister. (Bestie, if you ever see this, thanks a bunch for everything. Love ya!)
As soon as I stepped into the house I could feel that the tension in the air was thicker than a London fog. My aunt was lying on the couch in the living room (presumidly to rest her “aching” back), watching tv with a large fast food bag and empty wrappers and plates scattered around on the coffee table nearby, mom was in the kitchen, and dad was probably upstairs in his office. Aunt looked up and coldly demanded to know where I had been. Smirking she says that HER kids would never do something so inconsiderate. My parents were worried. They all thought I would have been home long ago. She said I was so rude and inconsiderate and said that I thought that I was above everyone else in the world because I had received “a little piece of paper.” Dad heard me come in and came downstairs slurping on a fast food drink. He irritably asked where I had been? What was I doing all this time? Why I took so long to get home? Mom came in as well from the kitchen and wanted to know where I was and yelled at me that they were worried. Apparently it was my fault for not knowing they had to leave and my fault I didn’t arrange a ride home. It was my fault that I expected them to stay, etc etc etc. Their language was much more colorful then what I wrote above but I prefer to keep things relatively clean.
All I could do was stand there in the living room, totally dumbfounded. At this point it was a little over three hours since the ceremony began. Almost two hours since my name was called and about forty minutes since the ceremony ended. I asked how they managed to get (and eat apparently) fast food in just the few minutes since the ceremony ended. My dad suddenly looked sheepish and said they had left right after my name was called. Aunt smirked and said “That’s right, I was hot and my back hurt. You know I have to take my pain pills. Plus we were hungry and wanted to get dinner. We even got your favorite! Yours is in the kitchen.” I stared at her blankly for several seconds before my mom told me to wipe the attitude off my face and go eat. Following me into the kitchen she started talking about how they knew I’d get a ride home from somebody. I’d be ok. They weren’t really worried, but I should have come home sooner and not stayed to “play around” after the ceremony.
I spotted a fast food bag on the counter and when I opened it I saw my burger and (already picked at) fries. I hate junk food like that. Certainly not “my favorite.” They normally would have remembered. Regardless, everything was ice cold and unappetizing. They had obviously been home for quite a while. I looked over towards the kitchen table I was surprised to see a large sheet cake. Beautifully decorated with roses, other decorative icing things, and the words:
CONGRATULATIONS GRADUATES!
Cousin’s name (In big letters)
and
My name (It was beneath my cousins name in a smaller font and it looked to be an afterthought and squished in to fit. Even the color of the icing used to write my name was different.).
Big pieces of the cake had already been cut out of it.
I couldn’t understand why a cake for MY graduation day had cousin’s name on it as well. She didn’t attend my school and wasn’t even anywhere nearby as she was living with her dad several states away. Not to mention that she hadn’t even graduated yet! (Side note, my aunts daughter is the same age as I am and was supposed to have the same graduation year, but she was unable to graduate on time due to poor grades and behavioral problems. She had to take make-up evening classes that coming summer and fall and her diploma would eventually reflect the NEXT graduation year. My relationship with her is a whole other can of worms... I have a senior prom story involving her that y’all might enjoy.) While I stared at the cake my mom quickly said that my auntie had ordered it and it was a surprise! Wasn’t that nice of her? If I had been home earlier I could have cut it myself but they all wanted dessert after their burgers so my Aunt did the honors for me.
Something in me finally snapped and I was done.
I turned around and asked my mom point blank why did they leave so early? Why couldn’t they stay for the whole ceremony? Why had they stranded me there without warning? Why they didn’t find some way to get word to me that they needed to leave early? And (admittedly petty) why couldn’t I get my own darn cake without having to share it with a person who wasn’t even graduating that year? She began to unleash a laundry list of my faults. She told me that I was just acting superior because I graduated. I needed to check my attitude. I was rude. I was ungrateful. I was acting like I was better than everyone else. She then said I was rubbing it into my aunts face that I graduated on time and my cousin did not. I needed to consider the struggles, health, and physical limitations of others. Also, I would never amount to anything as I was too dumb to go to collage so I should get used to serving others better than myself. (About the college thing - that’s another story I can share if asked...) On and on.
I was stunned! I had no idea what the heck changed between that morning and now! To this day the only reason I can think of for all of this was that my aunt didn’t like the attention I was getting from my parents and the rest of our family. She probably felt slighted because her daughter hadn’t gotten a check, necklace, or bible from our grandparents yet (Duh, when she called them to whine, my no-nonsense grandma straight up told her “no diploma no graduation gifts” and said that my cousin would get her gift next year if she was able to pass.). She was offended that so much attention had been lavished on me and my accomplishments (graduating with honors despite transferring mid-year) rather than her own daughter or her own “life changing health issues.” She didn’t like the fact that I was in the limelight and not herself. Most likely she started whining and complaining to my parents about my so-called superior and stuck up attitude as soon as they dropped me off before the ceremony. Then whined and complained that she was in pain and needed to go home as soon as possible to take her dang pills and rest. Eventually she filled their ears with enough poison so they left.
So that morning apparently everything was fine but now it wasn’t? Twenty-four hours before I was behaving normally but now I had apparently been acting stuck up? Regardless of all that crap, how was it ok that they left their teenage daughter stranded without knowing how she would be getting home? How could they leave me on such an important and happy day? How could they not even tell me? How could they allow my aunt to whine and complain and then just go along with what she wanted instead of considering my feelings? Did they just not see how badly their actions that day hurt me? How could a parent-child relationship be ruined in the space of a single afternoon?
Suddenly I realized that this hadn’t happened only in a few hours or even a few days. Our relationship had been deteriorating for months. I found out years later that ever since my aunt had come to live with us she had been talking to my parents about imagined insults to her, my perceived superiority, my rudeness, my unwillingness to help out, and my all around bad attitude. She accused me of sneaking boys to my room when my parents weren’t there. She told them that I had confided to her that I hated my parents and their overly strict ways. She said that she saw me smoking cigarettes at my bus stop before school (as she is so “disabled” I have no idea how she managed to walk or roll so far to spy on me). For the record, her accusations were all completely false. My parents were strict yes but usually fair(ish) and I had assumed loving and supportive of me. I also can’t stand cigarette smoke and at this point I was “as pure and physically intact as the day I was born...”. blush Anyway, between her own entitlement and jealousy she realized that I was “doing better” then her own kids and herself and she decided to make my life miserable. At this point I wasn’t even angry. I was just really, really sad. I left the cold food in the bag on the kitchen counter and “my” cake on the table and went upstairs to my bedroom with my diploma and rose.
When I got there I shut the door. When I turned around I saw a devastating sight. My monogrammed bible, on the floor on top of a baking sheet, half the pages torn out, and the remaining pages and cover burned black. The uncashed check from my grandparents torn into tiny pieces and scattered like confetti on top of the ruined gift. My graduation cards and notes torn into what seemed like thousands of pieces and scattered all over my room. I remember falling to my knees, completely numb. I couldn’t even cry. I just held onto my rose and tried to breathe. (It’s doubly sad to remember this now as my grandmother recently passed away and I would have loved to have had that bible.) I knew immediately who had done this - my aunt. She was such an entitled parent that no one can have any type of spotlight unless it was her own kids or herself. If her daughter couldn’t celebrate a graduation then neither could I. If her daughter didn’t get a check then I couldn’t have mine. I was glad I had decided to wear my grandparents necklace because who knows what she would have done with it. All this destruction and my parents were either oblivious or they just didn’t care. This was more or less the beginning of the end for our parent-daughter relationship. I was 18. A legal adult and able to make my own decisions about my own life. With how things were now, I knew my parents couldn’t be a part of it if they were determined to listen to the vitriol that spewed from my aunts mouth.
Aftermath
Within two hours I was over at my best friends house to spend the next few weeks. Within a couple of months I had gotten a job and moved into my own place. I never looked back. After several years I was (And still am!) married to an amazing guy (Only one marriage for me thank-you-very-much, unlike you auntie!). He encouraged me to enroll in college and work towards my bachelors degree and then earn my masters degree. That led to my current amazing career, with some of the best coworkers imaginable, in my chosen field with a more than acceptable salary. Over time I slowly, very slowly, began to grow a little bit closer to my parents. It’s not your typical parent-child relationship anymore, that ended forever when I was eighteen, but cordial.
In the beginning, after I moved out, they tried to do little things for me (and later my new husband as well) but their offers were usually declined, preferring to forge our own way without relying on others for help. Eventually I began to relax around them a bit more and to open my heart again. We’ve talked a lot over the years and they actually eventually apologized for what happened. I guess they initially thought that they were keeping the peace and they just went along with whatever my aunt said. They trusted her, as an adult, over me. Eventually they began to agree with her opinions and they never thought to question what she told them about me. At one point my mom even said that she wondered if I was on drugs during this time based on the stories my aunt was telling her. The irony... Now, more than a decade and a half later, my relationship with my mom and dad is pretty great. Less than parent-child but way more than friends.
My aunt ended up moving out of my parents house and into a nearby trashy apartment not long after my graduation, citing an unpleasant atmosphere as her reasoning. (Yeah, I wonder why...) My folks paid her rent, utilities, paid for a car (including gas and insurance) and bought her groceries for a couple of years before my dad finally grew a pair and put his foot down. She started dating a lazy idiot guy who received some kind of government pension and once he moved in with her that’s how they more or less supported themselves. She still occasionally comes crawling to my mom for money for smokes, gas, or whatever. Dad would, at best, give her a hard NO and at worst tell her exactly what he thought about her. So she knows not to go near him asking for anything. Sometimes mom gives her a few dollars but usually not, as even mom has grown tired of my aunts antics, entitlement, and poisonous attitude. So my aunt and her boy toy survive on a cycle of a small monthly government pension, payday loans, and begging the family for money. Of course neither of them have a job due to their “disabilities.
Interesting side note, after my aunt moved into her apartment she no longer needed a wheelchair! It’s a miracle! Or most likely she couldn’t use it because her new place was tiny, on the 2nd floor, and wasn’t an ADA home (bcause she couldn’t qualify for one considering she gasp wasn’t medically considered disabled!). It was just a regular rundown one bedroom one bath apartment and all she (with my parents support at the time) could afford. Oh, and also she had to stop seeing her quack doctor as my parents eventually stopped paying that bill too. I guess it’s a win win for her physical health as she got more exercise, lost some of the weight she had piled on while living with us, and was forced off her prescriptions as she no longer had a willing doctor to prescribe them. I’m sure the withdrawal was hell but I have zero sympathy. She’s still a leech who cannot stand to hear about anyone’s happiness or success (she was placing bets on my wedding day how long my marriage would last) and always manages to work her aches, pains, dire situations and the dubious achievements of her kids (who both have criminal records, stints in drug and alcohol rehab programs, several divorces between them, and children outside of marriage) into any conversation she has with anyone. A leopard cannot change its spots.
So yeah, the best “revenge” I can imagine is my “dear” aunt stewing, every single day across all these years, in the knowledge that I have no criminal record, no drug charges, a happy marriage, no divorces, two degrees, a successful career, money in the bank, and a very good relationship with my parents. She has to endure my folks bragging to the whole family about my (and my husband’s) successful life and accomplishments in my job. All without any assistance from anyone. Typical parent behavior as my other cousins parents all (justifiably) do the same for their kids. All my aunt can contribute is that cousin 1 managed to be paroled and now she has a steady minimum wage job (don’t hear much of anything about cousin 2 as he’s literally a deadbeat.). I guess in a way she pushed me to work towards the best life I could possibly have. So... thanks auntie?
Preemptive answers to questions I might be asked:
1) Yes I totally realize that some people have a string of rotten luck which forces their hand to reach out for help. If you are able you should definitely feel comfortable enough to reach out a hand to family for assistance. I call bs on my aunts story of hardship only because she never showed any gratitude to my folks and to this day I hear that she still insists that I was the troublemaker she said I was. She never tried to look for employment, never did anything to get back on her feet, and spent all day every day on her rear end.
2) I don’t care if people have kids outside a traditional family environment. In many cases one or both partners don’t find the need for it and still manage to have a wonderful family. What I object to is a bum, alcoholic, or drug addict bringing children into this world without having a stable home life and the necessary resources to raise them properly (you know, with morals and manners and such). I know tons of single moms and dads who are superstar parents with great kids. Big shout out to all the awesome single parents. Y’all are an inspiration!
3) Yeah this might seem like either a dumb story or completely fake to some folks. But I assure you, it happened. Some parts might be boring but, as I said in the beginning, I don’t see the point in adding embellishments to make anything more interesting. It was a crappy situation but I guess it’s important to remember that the truth can be stranger than fiction.
If you actually got this far, you are a seriously awesome trooper and deserve a gold star! Thanks for reading. I hope you had a blessed Christmas and here’s hoping we all have a happy and safe New Year! ❤️
P.S.
I know there are channels on YouTube who read crazy Reddit stories. If there is anyone who is interested and wants to read this for a video, feel free to do so (just send me the link when you do!). It might take an entire video to get through it all though so no worries if you’d rather give this one a pass.
EDIT
I’ve received a few messages with questions so I’ll post the answers here.
No I have no idea how my aunt played the system. After later talking to my folks I learned that her doctor didn’t practice in a hospital but instead had some sort of private practice in his home. We lived in a rather rural area and going to “a real city hospital” was difficult for some people. I’m definitely no doctor or lawyer so I don’t know the legality of any of it, but I’m pretty sure he fudged some things in order for him to get a paycheck (like not accepting insurance, taking only cash, and being liberal with prescriptions and the like). Small town politics are what kept him in business I guess.
No, my aunt never tried filing for actual disability or anything official through the government. She was crazy enough to get a wheelchair and call herself disabled but thankfully not crazy enough to try to fool Uncle Sam.
After a few weeks my grandparents did actually inquire about why I hadn’t cashed or deposited their check. Still being a bit of a doormat I made up an excuse about the check being damaged and the bank couldn’t accept it. They sent me a new check (to my best friends address where I was staying at the time) which I used to buy my first car. They didn’t question me directly as to why I didn’t want it sent to my parents house but I’m pretty sure they knew that there were some issues.
I never told my grandparents about the Bible. My grandma was very religious and I think the knowledge of one of her daughters actually burning a bible would have hurt her too much.

If you’re interested here’s season 1 and season 2. Also sorry for any formatting mistakes, I’m on mobile.
*S3E1- “No More Mr. Nice Guy by Alice Cooper”/ “Annie Get Your Gun” The pest control van was No More Mr. Mice Guy. The business next door was Annie Get Your Gum.
*S3E1 at 1:07- “Prince” Mort is doing the funeral service for the motorcycle club, The One-Eyed Snakes, and decided to wear pleather pants for it, which Linda thinks makes him look like Prince. Bob thinks it makes him look like “fat, white Prince”.
*S3E2- “Looney Tunes” The pest control van was called Bat’s All Folks! Exterminators
*S3E2 at 0:48- “Wolverine”/ “Edward Scissorhands” Linda is guessing what Louise’s Halloween costume is and excitedly says “Sad Wolverine!” Louise tells her it’s in fact Edward Scissorhands.
*S3E2 at 1:20- “Queen Latifah” Gene’s Halloween costume is rappeactress Queen Latifah from her U.N.I.T.Y. phase.
*S3E2 at 2:32- “Charles Dickens” Frond is giving a monologue about his “singles Singapore vacation” before handing out candy and Gene says, “Wrap it up Charles Dickens, you’re not being paid by the word!”
*S3E2 at 3:33 - “Chewbacca”/ “Frankenstein” Bob comes to Teddy’s Halloween party without a costume and Teddy makes him pick one to wear out of his closet, two of the many options being Summer Frankenstein and Chewbacca.
*S3E2 at 10:17- “The Warriors” The kids are hiding from teens who are prowling the street for straggling trick-or-treaters, when they hear three teenage boys on bikes, the lead one saying, “Kiiiiddsss, come out and plaayyy.”
*S3E2 at 17:12- “Amazing Grace” Teddy is holding a memorial service for his guinea pig at his Halloween party, complete with his rendition of Amazing Grace.
*S3E3- “Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini by Brian Hyland” BotD: Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Zucchini Burger
*S3E3 at 0:28- “George Hamilton”/ “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” Gene is standing over the grill to tan because it’s summer and he “looks like a British lady”, to which Linda replies, “Hey, slow it down, George Hamilton. You wanna look like an Oompa Loompa?”
*S3E3 at 15:35- “Big” Mickey is attempting to tunnel through Bob’s basement wall, hiding the huge hole with a poster from the movie Big, and when Bob asks “What is that?” Mickey goes on to explain the entire plot of the movie to him.
*S3E3 at 19:47- “Willie Nelson” Gene is explaining to Bob and Linda why the kids should be able to continue to work on a weed farm, saying, “Small farms are the backbone of America! Willie Nelson would love this place!” Bob has to reluctantly agree that Willie Nelson would like it there.
*S3E4- “Cat Stevens” The pest control van was called Rat Stevens
*S3E4 at 1:42- “Titanic” The family gets offered a free cruise to Costa Rica, and Linda starts daydreaming about being drawn nude on a sofa like in Titanic. Gene and Tina have the same fantasy.
*S3E5- “The Last of the Mohicans” The pest control van was called The Last of the Mousehicans Pest Control
*S3E5 at 3:02- “Game of Thrones”/ “Angela Lansbury”/ “Dawn of the Dead” Bob mentions Thanksgiving is the family’s favorite holiday, but Gene and Louise correct him, listing nearly every holiday, the Game of Thrones season premiere, “the day of the dead, the Dawn of the Dead”, and Angela Lansbury’s birthday as ranking above Thanksgiving.
*S3E5 at 3:32- “C.S.I. Miami” Every Thanksgiving Bob plays football with Gene, breaks the wishbone with Tina, and he and Louise play Turkey Crime Scene Investigation Miami with the leftover turkey carcass.
*S3E5 at 12:20- “My Neighbor Totoro” Bob is having an absinthe-fueled dream that the turkey has grown huge and is now holding an umbrella and leading the family in a little dance to make Thanksgiving foods grow from the ground, then they all grab onto the turkey and fly off on a little pumpkin, sitting atop all the food.
*S3E6- “The Wild Wild West” The pest control van was called Wild Wild Pest
*S3E6- “Super Freak by Rick James” BotD: She’s a Super Leek Burger
*S3E6 at 2:57- “Bill Bonham” Fischoeder is using the kids as a focus group for new ideas at WonderWharf, after trying to sell them on a bounce house full of jelly Louise says, “Keep pitching, Bonham.”
*S3E6 at 4:33- “Nicolas Cage” Mort is giving the unveiling speech for a giant animatronic shark, and says that it caused problems while filming, “chewing through more scenery than Nicolas Cage.”
*S3E7- “LaVerne & Shirley” The pest control van was called LaVermin Shirley
*S3E7- “Ali Baba & The Forty Thieves” BotD: Open Sesame Bun Burger
*S3E7 at 5:36- “Inspector Gadget” Mort is giving Gene and Louise a ride in the hearse while simultaneously proceeding a funeral, after Gene decides to moon the police escort he tells Mort to drive and yells, “Go oil slick!”
*S3E8- “Jack Be Nimble” The pest control van was called Rat Be Nimble Rat Be Dead
*S3E8 at 0:32- “Yankee Doodle” Gene took a sound sample of his farts and mixed it to be his version of Yankee Doodle which he calls “Stanky Doodle Dandy”.
*S3E8 at 6:58- “We Go Together” Gene gets pressured to continue to date Courtney, and she sings a rendition of We Go Together from Grease in a montage of her smothering him with affection while he avoids her.
*S3E8 at 10:58- “Moby” Gene goes to Courtney’s house to break up, but he can’t because her dad has a room of music equipment, which leads Gene to ask if he’s Moby. Later Gene is fantasizing about “Gear Heaven” and he sees Moby as a multi-armed God of the Synthesizers.
*S3E9- “Silent Night” The pest control van was called Silent Mice Exterminators
*S3E9- “Jingle Bells”, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”, “12 Days of Christmas”, “Silent Night” BotD: One Horse Open Slaw Burger, Jingle Bell Pepper Burger, Santa Claus is Cumin to Town Burger, Fifth Day it Christmas Burger (comes with five golden rings of onion), Silentil Night Burger
*S3E9 at 0:58- “Cool Runnings” The kids are listing what they want for Christmas and Gene says he wants, “...the actual Olympic bobsled used in Cool Runnings.”
*S3E9 at 15:39- “Snakes on a Plane” The kids need a diversion in a sex shop, so they turn on multiple vibrators, setting them loose on the ground while Gene yells, “Snakes on a Plane!!”
*S3E9 at 16:00- “Carol of the Bells” Linda is stalling people outside the restaurant and performs a beautiful version of Carol of the Bells; the only lyrics being “bells bells bells bells huh uh uh bells”.
*S3E10- “Hickory Dickory Dock” The pest control van was called Hickory Dickory Dead Exterminators
*S3E10- “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon” BotD: 50 Ways to Leave Your Guava
*S3E10 at 14:03- “Harry Truman” “Here goes the hair, and there goes the hair. Where is Harry Truman? He’s dead in the ground, he’s dead in the ground, he’s dead dead dead.”
*S3E11- “Hit the Road Jack by Ray Charles” The pest control van was called Hit The Rodent Jack
*S3E11- “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart by Elton John & KiKi Dee” BotD: Don’t Go Brocking My Heart Burger (comes with broccoli and artichoke hearts)
*S3E11 at 1:42- “The Wire” Hugo forces Bob to watch a hand washing protocol dvd, and Andre Royo from The Wire is the person walking him through the steps.
*S3E11 at 6:08- “Eleanor Roosevelt” Gene decides to depart a little wisdom by saying, “No one can make you look like a turd without your permission- Eleanor Roosevelt.”
*S3E11 at 17:38- “You’re the Best by Joe Esposito” Hugo and Bob are competing against one another in a nude decathlon, the montage song being You’re the Best, sung by Hugo.
*S3E12- “The Munsters”, “A Room With A View by E.M. Forster” BotD: Grandpa Muenster Burger (10% Senior Discount), Mushroom With A View Burger
*S3E12 at 2:07- “Donald Trump” Gene is worried he’ll look like Bob when he gets older, Louise doesn’t help by convincing him he’s balding, and when Gene thinks his hair is falling out he screams, “Oh no! It’s happening! Somebody comb me over! Somebody Trump me!”
*S3E12 at 8:23- “Encyclopedia Brown” Mr. Branca is telling Tina about cleaning up dog poop that was tracked in on someone’s shoe all the way in the reference section in the library, and Tina says, “Talk about Encyclopedia Brown”.
*S3E12 at 11:08- “Walter Cronkite” Louise is encouraging Tina to pursue her journalism, telling her to sniff out the news, yelling, “Sniff, Cronkite, sniff! For the good of the people!”
*S3E12 at 19:19- “Muppet Babies” Gene finally decides he’s done impersonating Bob, he just wants to be a kid again, and Bob is relieved, but Linda says, “Awww, I’m gonna miss my little Muppet Baby Bobby!”
*S3E13- “Midnight Cowboy” The pest control van was called Rat-so Rid-o Pest Control
*S3E13 at 4:57- “Bill Belichick”/ “Peter Frampton”/ “Linda Lavin” Bob is looking for a valentine gift for Linda, but the little glass figurines she likes are too expensive. When Bob tells the clerk this, the retailer accuses him of “not being serious about them”, when Bob asks who is, the clerk lists Belichick, Frampton, and Lavin “just to name a few”.
*S3E13 at 11:47- “Mark Harmon” Gretchen confesses that she called in a bomb threat at the hotel she knew Mark Harmon was staying at so she could watch him evacuate, then she stalked him for a year and half, and hit his wife with her car.
*S3E13 at 14:49- “Back to the Future” Bob and the kids spend all day tracking down the perfect gift for Linda, and when they find it Hugo has already bought it. Bob tried to give up, but Tina begs, “No, you have to get the testometer for Mom, I’m starting to disappear!”
*S3E13 at 17:38- “Vinny Testaverde” Gretchen also confesses to running over Vinny Testaverde’s wife with her car.
*S3E14- “The Iceman Cometh by Eugene O’Neill” The pest control van was called The Miceman Cometh
*S3E314- “Don’t You (Forget About Me) by Simple Minds”, “Only The Lonely by Roy Orbison” BotD: Don’t You Four Cheddar ‘Bout Me Burger, Only The Provolonely Burger
*S3E14 at 0:24- “Hermann Rorschach”/ “As Good as It Gets” Gene splatters mustard on a napkin and Louise yells, “Tina, Rorschach Test! What is it?!” And Tina replies, “Greg Kinnear from As Good as It Gets?”. Gene says, “YES!...wow.”
*S3E14 at 4:20- “Steve Miller Band” Linda is meeting her new coworkers, one of which is in a Steve Miller Band Cover Band, with that news Linda replies, “Does anyone ever call you The Space Cowboy? Ha!”
*S3E14 at 5:34- “The Wild Bunch”/ “One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest” Mort and Teddy are joking about what movie they would name their testicles after; Mort says The Wild Bunch and Teddy says One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest.
S3E14 at 5:57- “Jimmy Crack Corn by Virginia Minstrels” Linda is at her new job, stocking shelves and singing to the tune of Jimmy Crack Corn, “Linda stocks shelves and she don’t care”.
*S3E15- “Earth, Wind, & Fire” The business next door is called Earth, Wind, & Tires.
*S3E15- “Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top” BotD: Sharp Cheddar Dressed Man Burger
*S3E15 at - “Mad Men” Bob comes to the breakfast table dressed in a nice suit and Louise exclaims, “Wow, Don Draper is kinda fat this season.”
*S3E15 at 3:34- “Ghostbusters” Gene wanders into the woods and hears a disembodied voice (unbeknownst to him it’s coming from a toilet) say hello, and Gene responds, “Are you a ghost? Because I’m a Ghostbuster.”
*S3E15 at 4:20- “Queen Elizabeth II”/ “Whitney Houston” Gene finds out the toilet is intelligent and he is asking it all kinds of questions, like, “Who’s the Queen of England” the toilet’s answer was Elizabeth II, and when he asked, “Who’s the Queen of the Night?” the answer was Whitney Houston.
*S3E15 at 5:08- “Eddie Money” Gene says he has to go home and bet his sisters a thousand bucks there’s a talking toilet in the woods because that’s “easy money”, and the toilet begins to play Eddie Money.
*S3E15 at 7:13- “Stand by Me”/ “Stand and Deliver” Gene is showing Tina and Louise to the cool surprise in the woods, and Louise asks, “Is it a body, like in Stand by Me?” and Tina says, “Or is it a great teacher, like in Stand and Deliver?”
*S3E15 at 15:53- “Wings” Gene and the toilet are about to fly off a broken bridge, Gene tells the toilet to activate its wings and it begins playing the artist Wings.
*S3E15 at 15:57- “E.T.” After Gene flies off the bridge we get a recreation of the iconic bike scene from E.T.
*S3E16- “I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou”, “Gone in Sixty Seconds” BotD: I Know Why The Cajun Burger Sings, Tarragon in Sixty Seconds Burger
*S3E16 at 1:52- “Thomas Edison” Louise’s new science teacher is obsessed with Thomas Edison, making Louise do her science fair project on one of his inventions.
*S3E16 at 3:34- “Topsy” If Edison exists in their world, it’s obviously safe to say Topsy does too, but it’s worth noting Edison is still a massive piece of garbage in the Bob’s Burgers universe as well. Plus Topsy deserves her own reference.
*S3E16 at 9:56- “Milli Vanilli” Gene wants Gayle and Mr. Fischoeder to sing for Louise’s project but Tina reminds him they can’t use adults, to which Gene replies, “It’s okay, we’re gonna Milli Vanilli this.” Tina says, “Sorry, I don’t speak Italian.”
*S3E16 at 14:12- “Steel Magnolias”/ “War Horse” One of Louise’s classmates snitches on her for her Topsy project, and when she’s confronted she yells at him, “You son of a snitch! What’s your favorite movie? Squeal Magnolias?!” He simply replies, “War Horse.”
*S3E17- “Herman’s Head” The pest control van was called Vermin’s Head Pest Control
*S3E17 at 10:34- “L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole” Jimmy Jr. is trying his best to get Tina to go to the dance with him by dressing up as a horse and singing a rendition of L-O-V-E (his version is T-I-N-A), and all the lyrics are about how Tina takes his breath away, but it isn’t as cute as it sounds.
*S3E17 at 13:56- “The Nutcracker” Tina is at her first school dance with Josh, and as they enter the dance floor she says, “Just think of me as your Nutcracker.” Josh replies, “What about ‘the lipcracker’?”, which is so weird and corny that it’s perfect for Tina.
*S3E18- “Much Ado About Nothing by William Shakespeare” The pest control van was called Mouse Ado About Nothing Exterminators
*S3E18 at 7:32- “Take it to the Limit by The Eagles”/ “So You Think You Can Dance” The kids get hired to go into the Florida swamp and find a dog-eating python, and Louise suggests they do it all the time, and they could have their own reality show. Tina suggests calling the show ‘Snake it to the Limit’ and Louise suggests ‘So You Think You Can Snake’.
*S3E19- “Working for the Weekend by Loverboy” The pest control van was called Working for the Squeak-end Pest Control.
*S3E19 at 9:00- “Family Feud” The Belchers have been on a game show for a week and the host is complaining to his producer that he wants them to leave; so his producer tells him it’s just part of the job, like when Richard Dawson kissed ALL the women on Family Feud, he didn’t get to pick and choose.
*S3E19 at 13:44- “Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights” Bob is stewing to the kids about Jimmy Pesto winning the minivan and they basically say, yeah that’s great but we gotta go, because Jimmy Jr. is having a screening in the new van of Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, and they wanna get a good spot.
*S3E19 at 16:04- “Great Balls of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis” Bob decides to sue Jimmy Pesto over cheating at a ball game on the game show Family Fracas, and he doesn’t have a choice but to do it on a court tv show. The court show has decided to call their case the Great Balls of Ire.
*S3E19 at 17:16- “Henry Kissinger” When court isn’t really going in Bob’s favor, Gene yells, “I’d like to call a witness! Henry Kissinger!”
*S3E20- “Jake and The Fatman” The pest control van was called Jake and The Ratman Pest Control.
*S3E20- “Top Gun” BotD: Top Bun Burger Louise later changes it to Top Butt Burger
*S3E20 at 20:31- “Meryl Streep” Bob just avoided having to pay Mr. Fischoeder a gambling debt by gambling more, when he wants to quit the kids urge him to continue, and Gene says, “Keep the luck going, Meryl Streak!”
*S3E21 at 5:57- “Marilyn Monroe” Gene is at a table-scaping competition with Linda and Bob, and the table next to theirs is Marilyn Monroe themed, which causes Linda to say, “Awwww, Marilyn. Tragic beauty.”
*S3E21 at 6:22- “Joe DiMaggio” The father of the dad and son duo at the Monroe table is boasting about how their table is better than Gene’s before he smugly says, “Come on, we still have a crying Joe DiMaggio to carve out of butter.”
*S3E21 at 19:20- “Jessica McClure” Gene placed 4th with his table-scaping, and Linda said she already has an idea for next year, “Baby Jessica stuck in a well!” Gene agreed that’s a great idea, adding, “You have to look for your dinner for two days, as the nation watches.”
*S3E22- “Road to Perdition” The pest control van was called Rodent to Perdition Pest Control.
*S3E23- “Terms of Endearment” The pest control van was called Exterms of Endearment Exterminators.
*S3E23- “Free to Be... You and Me by Marlo Thomas” BotD: Free to Brie You and Me Burger
*S3E23 at 5:01- “A Few Good Men” Bob can’t decide on a Burger of the Day, but knows it’ll have Gouda, and Tina, in her espresso-fueled daze, quickly lists ten options, one of them being A Few Gouda Men.
*S3E23 at 5:57- “Frankenstein” Gene is struggling at baseball and Bob says it might be because he’s afraid of the ball, and Gene says he’s afraid because the stitches on the ball remind him of Frankenstein.
*S3E23 at 13:18- “Lou Gehrig” Rudy is at baseball camp, wheezing, and asking the instructor if he can take a break, to which the “coach” replies, “A very famous baseball player whose name I can’t think of right now had Lou Gehrig’s Disease, and he didn’t let that slow him down. It was inspiring.”
*S3E23 at 14:56- “Trainspotting” Tina is going through caffeine withdrawals, and while laying under the counter she hallucinates a little Jimmy Jr. in a baby onesie crawling above her, before his head slowly twists around like the scene in Trainspotting.
*S3E23 at 16:54- “Babe Ruth” When the baseball camp instructor is getting evicted he tells all the kids to take a swing at his landlord’s soda machine, when Gene asks if that’s vandalism, the coach says, “Babe Ruth used to beat the crap out of a root beer machine! Now look at him.”
*S3E23 at 18:26- “Ted Talk” When Bob questions the legitimacy of the baseball instructor Andy and Ollie assure him he’s legit, he’s even planning a Ted Talk.
*S3E23 at 20:19- “Toad the Wet Sprocket” While everyone is arguing whether Gene got a hit or not, the baseball coach drives away, and Gene says, “He gave us his magic, then disappeared. Like Toad the Wet Sprocket.”

so rick bush had 6 teams bothering me and i ounsuhied 3 or more of them by now and every time i exsplaned things clearly
so he really cant give up i mean he is already in so deep and high tresson trying to kill A legindarly life form invintor and usinting the name of the first saint Lusphur though he spelled it lucifer
so i mean so deep i mean they where told by other life forms they i did and would punish them so
and just empty word all he has and trail of dead or punished or blamed and killed people
congress everythin falls apart and even to congress like they chose to side with rick bush so I mean they knew thought they could win or somthing I mean shrug sigh
rick bush exspects me to clean it up and um i had nothign ton do with all of dat
ask rodney or rick bush or john macain they planed to kill me
they torchered my asions so im still upset about that like the asions are loyal so im not going just let it go
turn A blind eye or what was it let hand washes the right rick bushsaid and no i dont speck in meduifors noraly only to most stupid knows what and why and still trying
so like luspher white starline and white house i mean wow you think though oh well i know they wont give it up they think set of power funny oh so you need A white house to be powerful so take over A planet too be so stupid
so i had it selled brand new long range 9s cannon you cant hit that oh well germans steal laughing
yup amoneam nitrate gun powder brand new boom see why i have people reserching
never made deals or prmosed anything unless i could do it and not really vary offen and A lord that worked for his life forms how strange
like oh we just sit around talking all the time
so oh well im sure mu asions and germans and lushuns and english got this middle estrns another great people so i traned them got them going and helpped and laugh gaveb them ugh no start
i hate that man ugh well so well people are stuck
so no Lusphur StarLine not the forgiving types nor do i let thing go
So i did stuff rick bush rodney tryed to take the credit for it after failing them selves
ugh chip off th old block ugh just die i would tell them i was not nice boy you have A mouth on you rick bush like to say I think i hate them more then they hate me
and no i dont pose or act unsure most of the time nly with dating well i wasnt runing around puting my hand on everything on 2 lages
really i eman i dont feel sorry or bad vary offen i mean they had A chose they could have chose the right way and ugh they would pretend to agree with me just to fuck with me like wow
like i was like im 1.7 to 2.7 and there taller 20 years old and im the adult ugh shot me
i think they thought my size made me young aparently rick bush was A exspet on young boys like knew so much i was like ugh no where should be A sevice protecting children from people like him
like i think maybe other people where reading my thoughts becuse some how others knew about some things really i was just waiting to die or get away from them i knew they would kill me so
really they had this all planed out and thought it was um in the bag they said i had to ask wheat they meant
so mostly I told my other life forms about this long ago so they knew about humans so
yes well rick bush was going to be vary upset and laugh all part of the plan as others said what that was the plan
like rick bush didn't think he was going to fail
so yes 20 year olds and stupid fuck heads that never worked A day in there life would be upset as i saved the workers and helped the people that mattered
just becuse rodney and rick bush where fucking stupid i mean still i had my reputation and i loved work though so
they thought i didnt know though i new it was vary clear from there actions i knew my germans and asions would notices things and I love my asions and lushuns i have no doubt about there loyalty
and humans tryintg to kill my other life forms i had already told them humans would try to kill them
son they wher moveing clear of here before humans so that was long ago so well i mean I knew rick bush rodney didnt know anything so i was more worred about carter he was one of mine and vary skilled so if they got him it would be vary bad so and it was still i got through it wether he savid me or tried to kill me shrug still he couldnt kill larger me
so well shrug the god repubic was foritable my lifeform united agenced me ugh
ouch well good thing im real sellestail and that old
i mean i was just heloing life forms around me i was still me so well
i was loving my sphere as crazy humans rampaged nice and safe the one place no human could never go
rick bush like s to say want to be laugh yes epic stupid
i bet one time and said tell you what you win i will shot my self or i win and you shot your self and laugh well really i would shot my self anyway just to not be any where near them
yup it was going to get bad and i was not going to be around when it did or they would blame me so
yup i was gone for the really bad stuff they failed and i wasnt around
really i loved being everywhere other then here i would check back earth would think i was some astoried or some thing as i came through finnly they realizied it was me ugh
oh well i mean i did care just rick bush was stupid and really had nothing my life foerms knew when i was gone only rick bush thought no onew knew i mean they tried killing me how many times
they only had one shot aft they failed that was it and cassar or what ever failed and the giverment and police where to curb epic stupid fake rick bush
i dint need A goverment or anything and my people knew me so
like i can jsut sit around kill they blame me and kill me chose of death firing squade i wanted to havfe at lest one sigret befor i died
i invinted them so kind of rude really
yup only one that gave them to mu soldres i mean night as well besides my people would know bteer then to smoke in combate
himmm i smell stupid american
oh yes fires 60 shells dose not hit one thing like 3 shots if you dont kill something shot your self it will be A clean death you dead anyway
like real war it isnt nice it isnt fun your going to die you know this
stay low keep qite you shot you kill or wond if your nice and no learing them out shit my people where that good so
traineing begain at age 8 pluse schooling so german way why they where so hard to kill my training would at lest keep them alive to be stupid latter
asions fallowed with this seing how well we did i sayed to my place and they where there as amrica slunk around ugh
so latter they wanted germany laugh wow i make them the best so then they want to take over it isnt about me it is about there servivel
amrica some one wanted A war so fine really in existince there are many out there though most knew me so respect funny thing i was so well known
So well I had beuilt many epic civalisations and some 20 year old thought technogy man yes well yes cool though easyly broken
so i was something in comand and yes that efective though no sex or anything i was sipher it was best with man trying to find me and kill me trying to be king man dude ugh
grow up dam sex and drugs dose not A ruler make and 20 or 12 year old grupys
like some of use have familes life forms and children and we diont want to be forced or rapped by epic stupid
really i wasnt nice i would just have them shot in the head like clean kill and next we where sure so no confustions germans or asions irsh ask well some english so mescans did chose the better path at some point
imean it is called existince it isnt about living for ever i wanted to dye just i was the only one old enough and with the exspreince and industral abuility to protect people and A lot of my stuff just happened to be under ground
so they didnt know about it
they where too busy sexing and druging and acting so powerful to go down drity holes to seee what was down there so i ived underground had miles of tunnels before 1700 that epic stupid didnt know about till they got into the pentigone the big pitcher ugh rick bush so you finlly got in ugh
who let him in ho he new A guy im sure
he always knew A guy laugh he really didnt just bluffing
so yes they would get sick of me and im not really juist one person im A few more like though they would never know part of being sipher AI life form in evntor and real and not epic stupid take over A contry so they couold run it and get the people and the hole planet mad at them
rick bush would never live down what they did to america
it was funny they dint want it they wanted columba or germany and well A great contry is where you build it so
they mistakenly alowed me to take it over and then i wacked them with it and was still in conntrol enough well they wanted to frame me for war crimes so laugh
it was good so many knew about them and me really i wanted to go back to my sphere or some where other then most stupid so they thought i didnt know i was A AI sipher and like alwasy was duuuu
no man you where human nope i wasnt or i would be dead they didnt know about me or who i was they didnt know i was sellestail and oldest they disnt know i had been doging them the one stopping them yup well others helped still yes
it was going to take them A long time to be as conected and intrenched laugh deep tunnels as Lusphur StarLine smelted invinted and lead my own life forms
i was the greatest unknown leader that owned everything and knew everyone and you woldent know unless you where 1000 or more years old witch they where 40 and 20 1940 or so
so they had A hard time getting into the mines so and dint think there was anything down there fine with me titaneam all the good stuff
suramic was A new thing cool use i liked mettle though nice sold mettle
i was tryign for A wite mettles and oh well porcelin really i liked asiombling partical by partical though rodney thought nothing could be 4 to 7 particals in thick ness my talens wher so waisted on them war AI ugh nope
so any way am and epic stupid conquring
i was happy as AI sipher i could exscape
move around and jsut thiniking not doing anything the women would know when i was up to something though
i hates that they just could tell with me i did invint them to be amazing so my own fault I guess still oh well really i was happpy to be just Brian Briley like ugh so sick of those people
so any way they would reck everything anyway so still I set things up so they would have problems paying people to just go look around and they god large some for free just had to protect normal people from epic stupid
like what rick bsuh and they wanted they never asked and thought they could have it all with me dead
greedy well what gets everyone you get greedy and my people knew better
just take what is needed and earned or would be earned in service
i wa so proud of my people
in space many would know like i would so these things would keep them out of truble with others like my self
and get other to trust them so i had my people the best way rick bush had no idea one day he would realize
well 80 trillion few billion i lost track of how old i was so just tarted going by life form existince
i mean rick bush thinking he could just step in and take over i mean all humans had known was me the change would be clear
so shrug well so brian briley wow so stupid yes i knew i thought it was stupid though they couldnt kill me so tried to kill lusphur StarLine so they needed me dead so
so really and i think rick bush killed the frist geny i think i saved her or something i moved her away he didt know till latter i didnt make her sipher i jus tmoved her away he had lots of crazy ideas really the only one that well what he says wore out his welcom was rick bush he like to talk kile A ganster so stupid
like it was cool i mean his maner was the same and same corny pethectic person so he was so stupid and anoying it was not cool i was llike please shot me just dont talk liker that any more
like no one talks like that it is stupid and in reality and real life forms no one would trust or like him and and he really thought once he was up there AI i guess or conected to some poor coomputer he could be like me and no invented partical matter and galaxys so never going to be like Lusphur StarLine so i hated him everyone else hated him esxspt i punished him as A real 80 trillion year old selllestials told him i wasnt bluffing so and i was real so
no was not cute and or funny or playful no i dont joke about things reall and yes i really wanted him dead every single copy and and i never talked like him he tried to make me and 30 years left rick bush just 30 years
not much time now oh yes vary serouse and he is never going to copy or bother or talk to any one else ever again and yes A bet me Vs him sure 80 trillion year old Lusphur Azazel StarLine
1.7 to 2.7 and now 6.6 in size so and 100 year punished and other things so and he wasnt jokeing he killed A lot of people trying to win
so im not saying these words to any one type type type so other people know
and well sellestasils there really isnt much that can kill A real sellestail so or effect us so laugh
i did ingjoy crushing him low casitly rait on both sides my people mostly wond and most people like being with me anyway
good people well kind of really just profetional so rick bush had 80 years or so so kill me and end me and couldnt do it so
not even his people like him i mnean he is fake trying to be funny or tought or cool look existince isnt cool it isnt funny it hurts it is hard and many have lost some some becuse of rick bush seen lots of pain becuse of rick bush it didnt have to be this way
other people would tell him to shot the fuck up there rick bush really has to hide and you cant reallly hide some one is around him and well he blames the people around him and kills them to keep his secrets i mean gimics and fucked up fake bluffing he is more of A danger to his own people then any one else
fummy he was tryign to say my words about his 2 children about me exsept i dont have any children and no father rosndy really isnt my father just another rick bush gimick
really i told rodney that i saved himn and i would speck on his behalf if he stoped still rodney and me have A few things to talk about though 247 year punishment is me being nice and he would live agin
he is A good man in there some where and rick bush didnt know about sellestials at lest 4 trillion year i tiold them though they didnt belive me funny
other people knoticed it in my memorys rick bush is that stupid
well he had been saying he was lucifer and saying things or somthing
so was stuck with what he had said well he thought 4 thosand years was A long time
yup most epic stupid pethectic man in existince weith no equile it is true he had no equil
i meann unequilled in how many of his own people he blamed and got killed or killed for no reson yup
so like to sides of the bord me most real and epic legidqary
well rick bsuh would never be anyr thinthing like me so
and no there is no happy ending Lusphur AZAZEL starling larger me is that upset and will wait and exist till he dies and then well
well upseting some one that is that old and powerful and that upset there is no forgiving or leting it go my life forms wouldnt let me anyway
and i would go back and remove him so he will not exist latter he knose this is it others would stop him from exiisting as well there is A list of people that get to that level rick bush wanted and tried to get Lusphur StarLine unexisted laugh
exsept well only i existed beofr humans so oh well not scared
or wored and i told him this so he was really trying to make me scared or intimidated he really hated how real i was
kind of took the wind out of his sails
and yes i could remove him just for beign anying even if he was the best person in the whole world so i didnt know where he was from latter oh earth well that isnt hard i could remove the whole planet
earth knows this and notthing they could do about it though or i could just suffer though and find where he was from yup 1920 through 1950 about
so I went through his whole life to see what damage there would be and none really pethectic man coused his own problems and go lots of people killed and there was A unesitince hearing just for fun
i think even his own mon didnt like him it was bad
i eman many people knew what he was doing with me and really hated him even more
just fucking up everyones life for nothing to get out of 5 to 15 years jail
he exspected people to feel bad for him i mean why A hells angel man spent 40 years in gantonmo becuise of that shit head
trying to blam other people and wel he thoughtn he could just kill people to make it go away and didnt know who i was
no not just A justise no nit just A person yes 1.7 to 2.7 in size i mean Lusphur StarLine no not A kid though
i
i didnt act like one though
I mean i think i was just there as pert of to see one of my life forms and no I dint say anythign to him he knew what he was doing
so i just hat to find witch planet he was from and well that was the last part comurm and look over everything
So Lord Lit Lusphur AZAZEl StarLine wiould do the same and that would be it
I just like too be sure beore i end some ones exiwstince it is vary serease matter unlike rick bush who just tries to kill and end everyone jsut becuse he is shit head
so well others knew i wouldnt be as easy to kill so i would do it at some point and well he would still be punished i thought it wopuld be to nice to just stop his esxxistince after he had runined so many others
rick bush thought he would jsut do whqat ever and then maybe not exist nope sorry you hurt and anoyed me nope pain any way oh well
500 million hesaid do my worst so ok if your sure so 4 trillion to 500 million or another 80 trillions depending my galaxy star will exist that long and no sorry my star only fits one and kennidy alrady tried getting in og it really hurt him
now my sifer he might be able too though i have little Lusphur persons and i dont like others inside of me
ya people thought i was just one person no about 7 or so little varsins of my self inside of my self so in case people started doing stuff my Little selves would fix and remove them
i mean they didnt know how i invinted my self or how i was me so
dumb street smarts humaan oh there is house of stupid vidio of rick bush talking about him self
or as if he was me really he says so many stupid things
A lot of what he was doing was trying to cover up his stupid shit
like i say after rick bush no one he ever talked to was going to be able to get away with anything
oh well mike ellitot like A big big ankor rick bush trsson and well A long long list
remault the pentigon fbi cia asions i mean yes well he was vary bussy man so A lot of people knew bout him my um unkel or something they knew i didnt have one
so rick bush thought he was so smooth they he had to try to kill so many people
renault had recording of 477 mountain drive and shared it with others
even relesed it on film and news rick bush was famouse his first fame as A person
acive imagination funny well i mean threting me from my own house and over am or normal radeio so rick bush didnt know about signal scramblers secincers there caslled so anyone could her him saying insalts and threting me
and talking about things 471 i think did have A few things added
still i mean there where others nano tech life watching as well 12 life forms and rick bush thinking no one knew
that dust you know not all of it was dust
and star line vesses would look in on me i think i dont really know
and A aircraft at 36 000 feet looking at 471 one every now and then
renault so well yes air craft and Lusphur StARLINE people did care
mean while rick bush and rodney or what ever and i was like i think i should just shot my self fasts way out and im probably going to live clear this right up
at lest they couldnt fallow and i would not be here i mean sellestail so im willing to take the chamce better then epic stupid and this for 40 years
and oh rick bush fake lucifer azazel think you can do that laugh
no you dont get to geep trying to use my name and larg me did punish you and knows about what ever other you shit
really when i stoped humans from existing last time it was nice peacful
humans where 6 and then stoped existing came back around 13 or some number
I mean it was the same places just others moved clear and got ready
how did they know
i mean i do like humans just well the whole thig about denying and killing the lord invintor thing is really stupid
rick bush played it tough right up till he didnt exist saying bla bla
promising people around him would be safe laugh wow
you can see it in existince should be A few traces some where i think you know if he hadnt talked so much he would have done better i dint talk much i just did stuff
though all rick bush has is his mouth so oh well
really just cute out his toung all the probems go poof
i would pay real gold and silver to not hear him ever again
shure bing along was longly though no rick bsuh nice peace full endless space
no bla bla your not you im the real you bla bla
you know Lusphur StarLine didnt bother people or threten people so people would notice the diffrence
funny Brian Briley is well huh kind of the same i wonder no way
and Lusphur StarLine didnt make deals or things like that most people didnt even know i owned so much silent partner mostly little inestment person
lemeraneran gemany
lemonary and unkiown contry

I'm sorry in advance for the length of this post. It's going to be a doozy.
Once upon a time, a woman got pregnant. She told the father of the baby that he would have to choose between his drug and alcohol habits and being involved in his child's life. He chose his habits.
That's where I come in.
My mother raised me as a single parent. I was an only child, so it was just the two of us for as long as I can remember. She was sick a lot when I was growing up. She was diagnosed with lupus when I was five and had a few serious flares over the years. The worst was the year I was fifteen, we spent 6 weeks in the hospital before the doctors basically sent her home to die. Spoiler: she didn't.
As a result of this and a few other health conditions, she was unable to work, and we got by on her disability check. This is important later.
Growing up, there were some basic principles drilled in my head. The obvious - be a good person, try your best at everything you do. And some that were less.. Common. Not only was sex a thing to be saved for marriage, but it was also a vile thing, and men only want women so they have something to have sex with. (Paraphrasing, but that's the basic idea). Gay people should have rights, but it would break her heart if I ever told her I was. All races are equal, but certain ones are to be feared. Just to name a few inconsistencies.
Like most kids, I had a part-time job in high school. Graduated with a 3.87 GPA, got a full ride to college. Raaa! When I started working, I'd started contributing to the household bills, so we decided I'd continue staying at home and she'd take me to school (I didn't have my own car at the time, and couldn't drive the stick shift she had.) It worked, it was convenient. I maintained my part-time job, even picked up some more hours since classes didn't take as much time as high school had.
My boyfriend at the time was a year behind me in school, so still in his senior year when I entered college. He had plans to go into software design and joked that he'd be making so much money, I wouldn't have to work if I didn't want to. I made the mistake of telling my mother about this little joke. She. Flipped. Out. She said I shouldn't even joke about wasting the opportunity I had with the scholarship. I told her I knew, it was just a joke. Kind of ironic, considering what happened next.
A couple of months into my first semester, she tells me that things are getting more expensive, and she needs me to either pick up a second job or go to work full time. There was no way I could do either of these and continue focusing on school. And just like that, my goal of being a doctor, or at the very least obtaining a degree, went out the window.
So begins the call center life. The new job paid more, so my household contribution went up to around $300 a month. I didn't mind, not having a car payment, or any real bills other than my cell phone and a credit card or two at the time. Everything's still normal at this point and remained that way for the next few years.
I was completely naive when it came to my credit for the longest time. I had a couple of little cards that I paid on and thought I was doing good. I'd get my report every year when I filed my taxes, like clockwork. Open it up, give it a look. But stupid me, I never read it that closely. 'Oh... Open accounts. Cool cool, revolving balance. Gee that's a low score, I don't know why, I don't have THAT much debt...'
In 2019, I noticed a few names showing up that I didn't recognize. Strange brand names from stores that I wouldn't shop at, all opened in 2016. I asked her about them, and she said they were hers. That they wouldn't give her an account, so she opened them in my name. But it shouldn't matter to me, because she was making the payments, so just leave it at that. It struck me as odd... But, the naive thing that I was, I let it go. The payments WERE being made, and it was just easier to not rock the boat, I'd learned over the years.
See, for as amazing as my mother is... She also has reactions that resemble a tornado. It was common when I was a kid to get slapped across the face if she thought I was 'backtalking' or even looking at her the wrong way. Books were ripped from shelves and thrown. The really big screwups would end up with her using a belt on me until she was exhausted. (You've not lived until a belt hits just right and breaks the skin. It's like a paper cut with personality.) But she grew up in a household that spanked, and she'd always said "The day I can't spank my own child is the day CPS can have her." It wasn't until I was an adult and thought back that I realized there's a difference between spanking, and what happened in my house.
The years passed, and I went from call center to call center. A few years in the rearview, I was encouraged to file bankruptcy because my credit situation and revolving balances were getting out of control. I realize now that was NOT the correct choice to make, and things should have been handled differently. But I trusted my mother and her opinion that it was my only option. For as big of a hit as my credit took, I did get a clean slate and was able to start rebuilding and paying on some small accounts.
One thing about bankruptcy, though.. Banks don't want to give you a checking account, at least not without paying a pretty hefty monthly fee. I didn't want to do that, so she suggested we get a joint checking account. We could both have access, and my name would be on the account, but it was sort of like cosigning on a car. The logic seemed sound, so I went with it.
The company I work for now is, or was, pretty okay. It's gone downhill drastically over the last couple of years. I was quickly promoted to a management position and made significantly more money. Even with my change in income level, my household contributions were never mentioned. I assumed everything was the same. She was a very.. Receipt-oriented person and I was one who'd rather just pay the bill and check on the account that it went through. So since she would be impacted by any shortcomings on the checking account too, I let her basically have control of the money. She'd make the payments and tell me how much was left, keeping everything all neatly filed away. It never occurred to me that things just didn't add up. Well, not at the time.
A detail I failed to mention is how... anti-social life was. She didn't have any friends to speak of, to go out and do things with, regardless of living in the same town her entire life. Anytime I wanted or needed, to go to a work function that she couldn't attend.. They came with a side order of guilt trips. As time went on, I stopped going as much as possible, because it just wasn't worth it. I'm an introvert, yes, but I also recognize the value of building business relationships. Maybe if I had gone to more things, I'd have a better bond with my coworkers.
A year so ago, I got a husky from a coworker. She was going through a divorce and couldn't keep the pup in her new place. I named her Lady Rose and she was the sweetest thing on four legs. Sadly, too big to stay in the house, but she was happy digging up holes in the yard. Huskies in general have a tendency to roam, and she was no different. Multiple times we got calls from neighbors she'd gone to say hi to on her adventures, and we'd go pick her up.
One day, she went for one of her runs, and I was working some overtime, so I couldn't go with my mother to pick her up as I normally did. She returns and tells me that she decided to let the neighbors keep her, because they could keep her inside.
My dog. She gave away MY DOG, without even asking me. That's not normal... Right? Needless to say, I was devastated. I still miss her and her puppy hugs. (She'd stand up on her back legs and hold onto your shoulders)
Then... I met Mando. Name changed to protect the amazing. (I can't even type that without smiling). Being a hermit like I was, the only exposure to people I had was online. I don't know the rules about naming specific gaming platforms, so we'll just say it's one that allows you to have a Dual Existence, concurrent with your first. Those who know it, will get it, lol. We were both involved in a roleplay community and became fast friends. Things snowballed, simply put. Before I knew it, months had passed and we were planning to meet in person for Christmas. As soon as things started getting serious, back in June of 2019, I started talking about him nonstop. This was greeted with 'that's nice, dear' or the equivalent.
So December rolls around, and all of a sudden it's a shock that I'm meeting an Internet Person. (Because according to her, all Internet People are psychopaths, kidnappers, and murderers. Though I never got an answer to the question of... If all internet people are those things, what does that make me? Because I'm one too lol) That hailed a week of intense arguments. Namecalling insults... I won't bore y'all with the details. But the primary implication was that the only reason he was coming was to get laid, to put it very politely.
Let me be frank here. He's in the armed forces and looks damn good in a uniform. I'm pretty sure if all he wanted was to get laid, he could have done that on his own and without driving 9 hours to visit.
This is when things started going downhill in a most dramatic way. The week he was in town was both the best and worst of my life. The best because, as corny as it sounds, just being in the same room with him, finally, after so much time, was like being home. The worst because, the hours away from him were intense, and not in a good way.
"Poison pen letters" were always my mother's specialty. Usually, this was dealing with a complaint she had with a company or someone else on a personal level. However, in the last few years, I'd received a few myself. Daily, I would wake up to a fresh email, paragraphs, and paragraphs long about how I was a disappointment, a whore (because I met Mando in person, and that could only be for sex), among other things. These emails would leave me in tears, and I would reply, trying to explain. Each rebuttal was met with more namecalling, more insulting. Eventually, I learned to stop replying, because it didn't help.
The ironic thing is that at one point, she told me to tell him that she approved and liked him very much. I'm a bit biased, but she should! He brought her Christmas gifts, and we made every effort to include her in what we did, all of which she refused, then sulked because I was gone so much.
He returned home, and life returned to its old miserable state. A 'miserable' I hadn't realized WAS miserable until then. Around this same time, my mother had a consultation with a surgeon. For years, she'd had a condition with her feet that made it very painful to walk and would need surgery to correct. I was working on the day of the appointment, so we were on the phone until the doctor came in. She put the phone down, but the call didn't disconnect all the way. Sure, I should have hung up. But I wanted to know what was said, and I was rarely given details when I didn't go to the appointments. The doctor starts explaining the procedure and asks if she would have someone to help because she couldn't be on her feet at all for eight weeks. No pressure of any kind could be put on her left foot, she'd have to use one of those knee scooter things to get around while the bones mended. She thought for a minute and then sighed. She then told the doctor she didn't know. She had three dogs, and a bundle of cats to take care of. And her "daughter lives there, but she's fat and lazy, and I have to do everything for her, so I don't think she'd be any help."
I. Was. Stunned. At this point, we'd already discussed the surgery and what it would likely entail, and I'd told her that I was willing to do anything I could to help her feel better. I'd already talked to my boss about possibly working from home full time for two months, so I could be there to help. This was the only reason she went on the consultation in the first place. Anyway, the doctor tells her to think it over and call if she wants to schedule it. I disconnect the call at this time, still thoroughly in shock.
She calls me back not even five minutes later and doesn't understand why I'm upset. I explain what I'd heard and ask her to explain. Is that truly what she thinks of me? Instead of apologizing, she gets defensive and says it's my own fault for listening to a private conversation. And she hadn't said anything she didn't feel was true in the first place.
There's an uncomfortable thing about living in a small house, with only two people. Sooner rather than later, the silence tends to become deafening, and you move on from things whether you want to or not. The surgery happened, and for the next eight weeks, I worked full time and took care of the animals and my mother.
What's the big deal about taking care of the animals? I know it sounds like a pretty basic thing. But here's another sub-story. I'll try to be as descriptive as I can. The pet food was kept in a shed in the lower part of the yard, a walk down a pretty good slope from the front door. So you had to exit the house, unlock the shed, and bring the food in shifts because some animals were inside, and some were outside. The cats were expected to be fed at around 8 am. To feed the outside cats, you had to go around a slippery slope and up a set of stairs that was not in the best condition. (If you put your foot in the wrong place, it might go through the wood). Climb over a few things on the porch, then repeat to get back down. The dogs were inside and ate at approximately 5 am, and again at 4-5 pm. If one was smart, they brought enough dog food inside for two feedings when they went out for cat food in the mornings.
Two of the dogs were kept in crates 24/7. We had Baxter since he was a puppy, and got his mother Fiona at the same time. Baxter was easy to house train, he was a good boy. Fiona had slip-ups. As a result, she decided they weren't allowed out of their crates because she didn't want to clean up messes. We'd had dogs for as long as I could remember, and this didn't set well with me. She'd never done that to any of the others. It was cruel. Dogs should not exist in a 2x3 foot box their entire lives. But, it was "my house, my rules" and I couldn't do anything about it, short of calling animal control and reporting it as abuse. Which it really wasn't. They had shelter, food, and water. What would anyone have said? Still cruel.
My old dog, Jasper, was allowed to roam, as he always had. He passed away in March, and it's still raw. He just ate when he was hungry, as any creature should be allowed.
The porch described above is a small indicator of the rest of the house. Some families have a junk drawer. Some have a junk room, where random things are stored. We had both of those, and then some. From the kitchen to the hallway leading to her bedroom, there is just pile after pile of STUFF. Things that were bought online, left in their boxes, never used. There's so much, that her bedroom is completely inaccessible. It is literally stacked wall to wall, corner to corner with... I don't even know what. But she uses none of it. All sorts of kitchenware, which would be really nice things to cook with. None of them were ever taken out of the box. (Some of which I'll mention later) Even the closet in my room was half-filled with her things, along the floor and on the shelf above. There was a narrow path to walk leading down the hallway, and in the kitchen. Everything else was just.. stuff. It was suffocating.
So, a snapshot of the day. I would wake up at 4 am and take the dogs out. Then, to feed them, they had to be done one at a time, and handfed. The process took about half an hour between them. (The dogs didn't demand this, but this was the 'right' way to do it.) After they were fed, I would make her coffee, and go back to bed to try to snag another couple of hours of sleep. My work typically started at 8 am, and I'd work a normal 8 hour day while doing whatever was needed around the house. Cooking, laundry, taking the dogs out, etc. Doggo dinnertime was at 5 pm. They then had to be taken out at 9 pm, and then again at midnight. After their midnight trip, I was able to go to bed. Sleep rapidly became a myth, but I didn't mind. It was temporary and needed.
However, I don't know if y'all have ever tried to play a nurse to an independent person. It's not easy. Getting into the house was the first hurdle. For the surgery, she was given a nerve block, which made her leg literally dead weight. She couldn't feel anything from the knee down, even hours later. So we get home, and it becomes rapidly apparent that the driveway was not going to be an easy trip. She had the knee scooter but refused to use it because she couldn't feel where her foot was and didn't want to mess things up. Understandable, I suppose. We tried a few options - an old office chair, which got caught in the mud repeatedly. (Yes, it had been raining for two days beforehand, so the yard was nice and sloshy. This was also January, so it was cold AF.) I asked, no, pleaded several times to call 911 and have them send a police car, or EMT to help us get inside and she vehemently refused. We were outside for over an hour and a half, trying to find some way to get her inside. Every time I made a suggestion, she shot it down. Eventually, I ended up getting some old blankets and spreading them over the ground. She dragged herself along, kind of like a reverse crab walk.
Going to the bathroom was also a struggle. The way the house is set up, her chair was only about 6-7 feet from the restroom. However, there's a little 'bump' of a ledge going from one room to the other. For the first day or so, she wouldn't use the scooter, nor would she let me help her get into the room or do anything. She did more reverse-crabbing, awkward as can be. That bathroom is TINY, and there's a litterbox right in front of the sink that takes up a lot of space. Once she started using the scooter, that much got easier at least.
For the first week or so, things went normally. Then she started sneaking into the kitchen to make her own coffee. Which included going down a sharper drop (the living room to the bathroom was around a half step. Living room to kitchen was a full step down). At 3 am. Because she didn't want to wait until 4 am when I got up to start the day. Sometime between going back to bed and getting up again, I'd hear her in the bathroom. She couldn't take a shower for the first two weeks, so she took a sink bath. (Overshare, maybe. But it's relevant later)
Now let's talk cooking. When I was younger, homecooked meals were a regular thing. All the good, down-home country goodness that every family wants. Little by little as I got older, they became less and less frequent. At first, it was said it was because I was working odd shifts and wasn't home at night. Then they just... Stopped altogether. If it couldn't be put into the oven and cooked quickly (chicken tenders and fries, for instance) or microwaved, it didn't get cooked. At least not by her.
So when she had the surgery, I saw this as a chance to spread my culinary wings and cook! I did small meals for myself regularly, but this would be cooking for both of us and I was looking forward to it. However, anything I cooked she 'wasn't in the mood for'. I asked her what she wanted, and she would always say just a sandwich. She literally ate a bowl of cereal and a turkey sandwich every single day, no matter how many times I asked what she wanted.
This eight week period was also the first time that I was able to check the mail. We had a PO box, and prior to this, she would go early in the morning to get the mail, usually before I was even awake (the lobby was open early). Anything that was mine (that she wanted me to see, anyway) was waiting for me when I got up. (This is also relevant later)
Afterward, everything went back to normal, given relative values of normal, with COVID and all. At this point, my office was closed, and we were all full-time work from home anyway. There were random blowups, but things were mostly quiet. Most of the blowups happened when I asked for access to the checking account log-in or something similar.
In March, the accounts she'd opened in my name, at least four out of five of them, went into arrears. I got notified that I had a delinquent status on one or more accounts. When I asked her about this, she said she just had to wait until payday, but she'd get them caught up. She didn't.
This was also the month Jasper got sick. It seemed to happen overnight. As usual, I had no money, and didn't know what to do. Mando said he'd take care of it, so we hurried to the local vet. He was in kidney failure. They could slow it but not stop it, and he would just suffer more and more. That day, I held my sweet boy while he crossed the rainbow bridge. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. When I got home, I told her he was gone, then went to bed. I slept/cried my way through the afternoon. I woke up to a message saying I was heartless because I didn't consult/tell/give her an option as to whether he was put down or not. That she lost him too and I should just get over it.
June rolls around, and it's been a long six months since I saw Mando. We decide this time I'm going to make the drive to see him. This sparks one of the largest fights of all time. More emails, more namecalling.
The night before, a fight launches from out of nowhere. As has become normal, she calls me a liar (then can't come up with examples of anything I've lied about). More names, more accusations, none of which with any ground at all. This time for added flavor, she screams about how she was forced to sit in her own filth after her surgery, because I 'refused' to help her take a bath. She claimed she had bed sores from not being able to clean herself for over a month. None of this is true, of course. Like I mentioned before, I heard her almost every day, doing her daily cleaning ritual until she could use the shower chair and sit in the shower while keeping her foot dry. Many times I offered to help and she always said no.
The day I'm set to go, it's 6 am and I'm finishing loading up my car. She comes outside and looks at me. Now, if your loved one was embarking on their first solo trip, you might say something like "I love you, be safe. Call me when you get there" regardless of your personal feelings of the situation. Instead, she says, "I don't even know you since you met him. I hate you." She then stalks back into the house. I make it to his place nine hours later, and text her to let her know, so she wouldn't worry.
Around 4:30 pm, we're upstairs cooking dinner, and I'd left my phone in the basement. She calls twice in a five-minute span and leaves a voicemail on the second call. "Well, I guess I'll just have to call the police since you're not answering me. They'll be by to make sure you're not dead."
It wasn't as though she hadn't seen my text. She responded with an "Ok." So I quickly text her back and a small encounter follows, one I just stop replying to.
The next morning, I wake up tagged in a Facebook post saying how inconsiderate it is to do things like go on trips while COVID is happening. She makes several pointed comments and essentially calls Mando and I selfish people for putting her at risk. (It should be stated that during the drive, I stopped only for gas and wore a mask and gloves, and our plans for the two weeks included lots of working at home and very little else. The risk of any exposure was minimal.) I call her out on the public post in DMs, and she denies that it was what she meant. The post soon disappears, though.
That same day, she removes me on Facebook and a few mobile games.
Over the next two weeks, there are varying levels of blowups. She always knew exactly how to play my emotions to upset me in the most direct way possible. If one tactic didn't work or get a response, she'd try another. An angry outburst would lead to a sad/depressive one. If those didn't work, she tried chipper, normal conversation. All of these things just to get any sort of reaction from me. It was a revolving door that never stopped. I never knew which person I'd be hearing from that day.
Eventually, I packed up to leave Mando's place. And I swear to Merlin, I cried more during that 9 hour drive than was probably safe. It didn't feel like I was going home. It felt like I was leaving home and returning to where I lived. Sappy, huh?
I arrived around 10 pm. I walked in the door, dragged my suitcase in, and she ignored me. It was late, so I decided to just go to bed. Upon going into my room, I found everything of mine had been collected from the rest of the house and shoved in there. Decor, gifts I had given her, everything. I ask her why and she still ignores me. This goes on for the next two days. Then the emails started again.
I asked over the course of this, exactly how much was I 'contributing' a month at this point. She finally says $650. Here's the logic behind it:
Rent: $250 (while she paid $50 herself, due to being on rental assistance)
DirecTV: $90 (I was never allowed to touch the remote or decide what was watched.
Netflix: $7.50 (Same situation, though I could watch what I wanted in my bedroom)
Net: $30 (The net was absolute SHITE, but she wouldn't allow us to switch to a more reliable provider, that wasn't that much more expensive)
Amazon Prime: $5.00 (Okay, I got my money's worth and then some here.)
Hulu: $7.50 (Never had the log-in, so I couldn't benefit from this in private, sadly)
Food: $150 (I bought my own food. I never ate any of what she brought into the house, and hadn't for years, because we really didn't have the same taste)
Landline/security system: $45
All of that together only comes to around $550, so it doesn't quite add up. Her only response was "You couldn't live anywhere else for that price!" And at the time, I couldn't rock the boat and risk getting actually thrown out. I was helpless and we both knew it, having no access to the checking account, short of my debit card, and nowhere in town really to go.
The next three weeks were nothing short of volatile. I started demanding access to my accounts as well as the checking information, of which I received none. On one day in particular, I'm sitting in the living room, and a verbal argument begins. Things escalated, and she picks up a large three-wick tumbler candle from my desk and tries to throw it at me. I go into my room and lock the door. I'm on the phone with Mando, telling him I'm afraid, that I don't feel safe.
She busts my door down. My locked bedroom door. She says we need to 'finish this'. Reluctantly, I hang up the phone. She comes a step or two short of saying she wanted me out of her house, trying to twist the situation in such a way that I was choosing to not live there anymore. I tell her I'd never said that, but things I'd said started getting thrown back at me in reverse order. Everything was twisted, it was misinterpreted.
At this point, she leans in the doorway of my bedroom and extends her arm. She always bruised like a peach, and had bruises from playing with the dogs, etc. She points at one bruise and says... "I wonder what the police would say about you grabbing my arm and bruising me like that?" I look confused, because I hadn't touched her. "Or that time a month ago when you broke the mirror and came after me with some broken glass and tried to kill me." Remember, I hadn't even been in the state a month ago. She just smiled. "Elder abuse is taken seriously, remember that." She threatened to contact Mando's boss and file a complaint against him. All sorts of completely made-up things. It was then I knew that I couldn't stay there. I would end up thrown in jail or worse.
The same day, she apologized. A halfhearted apology of, "I said some things I didn't mean." When I asked her to clarify, she just blew up. She said that I said mean things too (I hadn't) and I wouldn't even apologize. I told her I just wanted to know what parts she didn't mean. She never would clarify.
A few days after that, Mando asks me to come back. The next day, I'm packed up and ready to go. Fun fact, I'd never even unpacked my suitcase from the first trip, so it was easy.
This time around, more of the same happens. Guilt trips, lengthy emails. Threats to turn my phone off. Salty then sweet. Saying she missed me, she loved me. When it didn't work, the attempts would grow more and more desperate.
She had a really bad habit of making assumptions. A couple of years ago, she started saying she knew I hated her and didn't know why. I have no idea why she'd even say or think that, as we said I love you frequently. Kind of a good policy to have, to say I love you before you go to sleep and whenever you leave the house, I've always thought. The last time I said those words to her was six months ago, and I was called a liar. I didn't try it again.
One day while I was working, she sent me a Facebook friend request. She then deleted it a couple of hours later, and apologized for 'intruding'. I told her I hadn't checked Facebook before she removed it, which she ignored.
At this moment, I'm really not sure the moment that I knew I'd given up completely. I had no desire to be around her. During her 'sweet' moments, I would tell her that I just needed space. I needed time. I needed to move past all the nasty things that had been said. She kept pushing and pushing until I was just... Done. The cycle just kept reverting in a way that showed that things would never change. And having seen what life could be like... I wasn't willing to go back.
So Mando helped me come up with a plan. He helped me get my own, personal checking account at the same bank he uses, which was far easier than I expected. (She'd told me that I'd never be able to get one on my own) Systematically, I contacted my creditors and had my information updated to my own, to a new email address that she didn't know. It was a tedious process, since every form of communication, even some of the security questions, were tied to her.
All the while, she's sending me nasty messages. Finally, I tell her that I've decided to stay here, and we're coming in a couple of weeks to get my things. "I'll be out of town" was the first line. Which fooled nobody, because she never went anywhere if it wasn't with me. "I've changed the locks, you won't get in my house." Also untrue, and I knew it was a bluff.
Eventually, she said she wished I would wait to come get my things until she could "reach the same level of coldness and cruelty toward me that I felt toward her". (Remember those assumptions?) In any event, Mando and I helped ourselves to a weekend road trip. We got a 5x8 U-Haul trailer and headed for the house.
The entire time we were there, she barely acknowledged our presence, unless she was making a snide comment. She had put 'all my things' in the living room (toiletries, kitchen things, etc).
Now, this is where it gets interesting. There were some large kitchen appliances, still in the box, in the pile of 'my' stuff. She said I could take them if I wanted them. This didn't make sense at the moment, however...
Remember those credit cards that were 6 months unpaid? Half of them were home goods stores. If I accepted items that I knew (or 'knew') were from these stores, she could easily implicate me in the knowledge and/or use of the accounts. Needless to say, we left those things behind.
When we walked to the door with the last box, she walked up behind us. She didn't say a word, just closed the door. No goodbye, no anything.
Two days later, we arrive home and yes, you guessed it. More messages. She went on and on about how I meticulously carved her out of my life and pushed her away, leaving her when she's getting older, her body's failing, and she needs me the most.
I carved her out, but she's the one that pushed me away. She removed me on Facebook. She is the one who demanded access to my entire life, and yet kept her own under tight lock and key.
I mentioned before the house is small, right? From where I sat on my PC, she could see my screens. She would read my messages, right over my shoulder. She would critique my interactions with other people. And on occasions where we would fight, she would absolutely blow up if I were to reach out to my friends for support. Because I had 'no right to make them think of her negatively while I made myself out to be an angel.'
I've never claimed to be perfect. And I'll admit, in this story, I might be a bit biased. But I don't believe that anything I did made me deserve the way she treated me. I'd always describe what had happened, even things that I had done that were less than nice, and more often than not, the Internet People would take my side.
I recently made the difficult decision to pursue an identity theft claim against her. The idea that she would be sent to jail terrifies me, because I honestly don't know if she could survive that or not. But I don't think I was left with any other option. Even paying the accounts at this point would leave negative marks on my credit that will take years to disappear, as heavily delinquent as they are.
Not to mention, this is nearly $10k worth of credit card debt that I didn't agree to, yet am responsible for on paper. She has more credit in my name than I do (car notwithstanding).
In the past two weeks, I've severed all contact with her. I no longer see her emails and frankly, it's a relief. I miss her, but I miss the 'her' I used to know. Not the version that's been inhabiting her body for the decade or so.
I really miss my dogs, and my cat. None of this is their fault, and they won't understand why I'm gone. It breaks my heart that they'll think I just... Left them. But she never would have let any of them go, so I didn't even try. Maybe I should have.
Mando and I are doing great. We're settling in and enjoying having a life together. Transitioning from online to living together is almost intoxicating. Those little bursts of happiness we got from visits never seem to stop. And he's cute when he wakes up with bed head in the morning.
If you've made it this far, congratulations.
If you've gone through something similar yourself, please feel free to share your story. I hear this sort of thing happens far more commonly than it should.
Thank you for reading, for letting me get everything out. It really does help.

A bit of a late night thought occurred to me here in the UK, for a long time we’ve considered the WWE to split itself into multiple different timelines (New Generation, Attitude Era, etc.) but since the “PG era” there hasn’t been a consensus change in “era” for the WWE, and that may be largely down to the fact the products style and presentation hasn’t changed since this time period.
In fact, some may even argue that we’re still in the midst of the “PG era” due to the lack of dramatic change previously associated with a new era (as can be previously seen in previous transitions, such as Hogan leaving the WWF and Hart being pushed as top face, or Mr McMahon announcing the initiative to tell more edgy and adult storylines for the Attitude Era.
As such, I’d like to present my thoughts on what the current era breakdown should look starting from Ruthless aggression onwards and present it for discussion. The rationale behind this choice is twofold, one reason is that I believe it transitions into the era that begins our vague split of eras, the PG era, the second is that it’s where my experience as a dedicated fan really took hold.
I’ll be breaking down the key aspects of these eras, and trying to give narrative as to what defined the era and set it apart from different time periods before and after.
Ruthless aggression (2002-2007)
The Attitude era ended at what most would agree to be the definitive ending point of WrestleMania X7, with Stone Cold turning heel and the Monday Might Wars ending. After this we have a bit of a transition period with the invasion angle not really fitting into either Ruthless Aggression or into Attitude Era. As such I believe that the kickstart of the era was the initial Brand Split that would come to define the majority of this period, with a number of household WCW names now moved into the product full time (Hogan, Booker T, Flair and more) and new rising talent being segregated into two different rosters that would define some of the eras key characteristics, such as the Reign of Terror, or the Smackdown Six.
There is one key moment that unfortunately defines the end of this time period, and that is the tragic Benoit incident of 2007. After this the product would begin a transition period where the tone would gradually shift into a more family friendly show. Research into wrestling’s history with concussions and drugs would result in a big changes, with less hardcore rule matches, chair shots to the head being banned and safer styles of wrestling being utilised.
Women’s segments would also gradually change from highly sexualised bikini contests and bra and panties matches to mostly poorly booked 5 minute matches, or joke segments that I will elaborate upon later.
PG Era (2008-2013)
With the transition to a TV-PG rating in 2008 WWE would officially start their run in the PG Era, perhaps one of the most poorly regarded eras of wrestling since the New Generation period. While this period started with perhaps one of the most stacked rosters since the Attitude Era, toting names such as John Cena, Edge, Randy Orton, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Undertaker, Batista, Rey Mysterio and so many more all either in or close to the prime of their careers, the products presentation and it’s booking ruined a lot of the positives that having such star power could have brought.
From terrible storylines such as the DX 2009 reunion with Hornswoggle as their mascot and SuperCenas reign of terror, to terrible segments with the much maligned year of celebrity guest hosts on Raw, seasoned fans were feeling more and more encouraged to drop out as WWE sought to cleanse their product of their previous adult orientated appearance that still clung from the Attitude and Ruthless Aggression Eras, and introduce themselves as a new, family friendly company.
This star power would soon be lost as well, as a mass exodus of top names left the company in the period 2010-2011, be it for reasons of retirement, injury or outside reasons. The roster would soon be left with very few stars, and almost no new names were built up during the time prior to this exodus.
The women’s division was not in good shape at this time, with meaningless multi-women tag matches and battle royals being thrown over the place throughout the era, a comical divas title design being introduced and the crown jewel, a commemorative battle for WrestleMania 25 being won by Santino Marbella in drag, the women’s division had hit a low not seen since Sable was considered the top female in the company.
This Era could have ended in 2011 with the revolutionary Punk pipe bomb promo, with a new star being born that looked set to reinvigorate the product and bring WWE into an entirely new approach of what a top guy could be in the company. However, Punk’s booking following this suggested no desire on WWE’s part to change their ways, with the Summer of Punk being a convoluted mess that seemed to be more interested to getting the title off Punk and jobbing him out to Triple H. His subsequent title reign, while impressive for its duration lasting over a year, could be seen clearly as a way for corporate to cool potential backlash at WWE not booking Punk as a top guy.
With the main event slot still reserved for Cena, even in throw away matches against the likes of John Lauranitis, it became clear that Punks surge in popularity did not change the company’s booking policy, style or presentation. He did however, successfully build fan frustration to a boiling point that would carry over to another top stars defining moment.
Reality Era (2013-2016)
The moment that Daniel Bryan hit Cena with a flying knee to win the WWE championship, only to get double crossed by Triple H as he gave Randy Orton the title win at Summerslam 2013, the most iconic and defining storyline of the reality era kicked in. While a fair bit of the corny storylines would still remain in the product, there was a new direction based on reacting to the fans input for storylines, for better or for worse.
The Daniel Bryan storyline epitomised the positives of WWE’s new approach, using the fans massive support of Bryan alongside their conditioned belief that WWE would again bury a top talent in a similar manner to Punk, they booked the near perfect story arc that resulted in Bryan’s triumph in the main event of Wrestlemania 30, having overcome the COO of the company as well as his two golden geese in Randy Orton and Batista.
The women’s division would also see somewhat of an a improvement in this era, though it could be argued that this was down to AJ Lee putting carrying it on her shoulders. Improved match quality, segments and less Santina Marella all helped build up towards the fans demands for better women’s wrestling. A ditching of the the old guard of the “Divas” as well as increasing the time dedicated to women’s wrestling was seen in the #GiveDivasAChance movement, which I will elaborate upon when we discuss the final era in this piece.
That being acknowledged, this era is also infamous for WWE utilising booking in a manner that disrespected the fans intelligence. An example of this can be seen in the man who would represent the second half of this time period, Roman Reigns, Vinci’s dream vision of a WWE Superstar.
Roman began this era as clean up guy for the ever popular “Shield”, and was set for a big push once they disbanded in 2014. Fans were excited initially to see what all three members would do after this breakup, as they were all seen as future world champions during their dominant run from 2012-2014. The other two members, Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose, would change their looks, music and gimmicks to reintroduce themselves as singles competitors, and would go on to have one of the biggest feuds of 2014, culminating in a hell in a cell match. Roman, on the other hand, would meander around different matches and feuds, facing Orton in a not well received match at Summerslam 2014, and getting injured shortly after for the rest of the year. He had kept the same gimmick, ring gear and music from his Shield days as well, it would be fair to say at this time that fans weren’t particularly enthusiastic about Roman and were waiting and hoping to see something new and exciting from him when he returned.
This did not happen however, in fact, the opposite did. Vince doubled down on Roman not changing anything about his character, and proceeded to push him to the moon. A Rumble win would follow, and was so poorly received that even the Rock could not get the crowd to cheer Roman. This constant clash between the fans desires and Vince McMahons desires would continue for not just months, but years, and would be the basis for his booking of all things Roman Reigns related for the coming years.
This constant clashing between Vinces desires and the fans desire is why I believe this time period deserves its own era, and have defined it within the time period of 2013-16. Whilst I could extend it further, as there are certainly examples of this occurring to the modern day, I feel there is one major factor defining this next era that changed WWE and made for its own distinct time period.
The NXT era (2016-Present day)
Whilst WWE attempted to brand this time period as the “New” era back during the start of the second brand split in 2016, I believe its far more apt (and to be honest, sounds less stupid) to define this period as the NXT era, as we’ve seen WWE reap the fruits of their revolutionary training programme and change in recruitment policy.
Although yes, NXT has been around for far longer than just 2016, I feel there is a good argument to be made that the secondary brand split was when they truly started to capitalise on this talent. Previously it had been considered a death sentence for your career to be called up to the main roster from NXT. Leo Kruger turned into Adam Rose, Bo Dallas lost the intricacy that made him an entertaining NXT Champion, the story’s would go on. Now, this began to change, Finn Balor was crowned the first Universal champion, and though he vacated it immediately due to injury, it was then won by Kevin Owens, another major name that held the NXT title previously.
The WWE would no longer change or gut the gimmicks of newly called up wrestlers, they would actively push them when they believed in them and created a roster now centred around talent that weren’t Vince McMahon creations, something that was unthinkable in the years previous to this. While the major champions would still be old guard names (Lesnar, Goldberg, etc) the week to week product now relies upon names that were introduced to the WWE audience by NXT, or big recruitments from outside the company such as AJ Styles.
The women’s division also reached its greatest heights yet, with the four Horsewomen of NXT coming into their primes during this time period and running the show as main event level talent. Whilst issues may remain around their booking in regards to over pushed and under utilised talent, this is the greatest position female wrestling has been in throughout the history of WWE.
That was a long one, but hopefully it was a decent read for those of you who stuck with it. I’d be happy to hear different opinions on how the modern eras of WWE should be defined, and it would be great to hear feedback on the topic.

Long story so I’ll start with a part 1. If there’s no interest I’ll keep part 2 to myself. If you are interested let me know. Just with so much time on our hands with this quarantine I figured why not? I included all info I felt was relevant to fully understand this experience. Taking you into my thoughts through the entire journey. Enjoy.
.
.
Hello, and welcome to a period of my life I will never forget. I’m bad at introductions so I’ll make this quick. I’m just a man in my mid 20’s, a pretty respectful person. I work hard to be the best person I can be. Probably not much different than a lot of you. So first I would like to mention that I’ve never been in a real relationship. My life has had some tough times where mentally I couldn’t date anyone. That took away from some potential relationships. But it has just never worked out for me. Doesn’t help that I’m pretty quiet until I get to know people well. Even then I’m just really chill, I like deep conversations and really getting to know people. Not a fan of small talk. I don’t drink either which is how everyone I know meets people. I just have issues that seem to mix with bad luck with the women I do meet. Likely story I’m sure but I really am a genuine person. So anyway, after years of only casual relationships and failed attempts at serious ones I reconnected with this girl I liked. I’ll keep this part short because this is its own story but she basically told me she was busy for 2 weeks. The reason she gave I found out was a lie so I was done with that. I’m usually not one to tolerate bullshit. Didn’t approach her about it and we still talked but I wasn’t interested in being more than friends anymore.
So I get back into something casual with another girl, friends with benefits situation. We agreed to no relationship and to end it if we got serious with someone. Or if we were sleeping around. How I normally do it. I then downloaded a dating app. My friend had successfully met his girlfriend on it so I figured I’d try. Because I already had someone I was sleeping with I wasn’t looking for that. Which meant I actually wanted to meet someone with substance. Not just looks. It proved to be difficult, until I matched with this one girl. She was cute and our conversation was different. I thought “wow she’s really cool”. It wasn’t because she said anything crazy either, it was just I didn’t feel like I was talking to myself. Many dry conversations on dating apps. Seemed genuine also. She gave me her number and we planned a date.
I had never met someone like this on an app so driving there I’m thinking am I really doing this? I was a little nervous but in the short time we talked I was looking forward to meeting her. We meet up for dinner and the conversation was just as great as the texting. Not sure why but I felt comfortable with her immediately. It was the common first date questions but we had a really good time. She told me that she had gotten into a lot of fights in high school. Moved to a different state by herself for the weather. Didn’t like the guys there because they just wanted sex. Which to me meant she takes it slow, I liked that honestly. Went to college but didn’t finish. Some of those were red flags to me. I thought she doesn’t seem like the fighting type, maybe she matured. I know people who were bad when they were young but fine now. Didn’t think too much about the moving thing and she said she wanted to go back to school so I didn’t think too much about not finishing either. She was off social media because she wanted to stay off technology but I loved that too. Slept like a grandma and took melatonin which is the opposite of me. Thought I’d just get to know her more. We hug goodbye and I head home.
So we continue texting, again it’s great. Inside jokes already, we have a very similar sense of humor. It’s effortless. We plan the next date. I meet up with her and it’s the same thing she doesn’t do anything that stands out, just really nice to talk to. Kind of on the shyer side if anything but really nice. We joke about putting roofies in each other’s drinks. My sense of humor can be dark so the fact hers was too was a plus. But it’s time to leave and I go to pay again. She stops me. She’s paying this time. I’ve never had a girl do this before. I don’t go on many dates but the times I have I usually pay or at best split. I couldn’t ask for a better start.
We text every day and go on dates once a week. Getting dinner, bowling, see a movie, spent an entire night just driving around listening to music and talking about life. I’m really enjoying my time with her, I’ve never enjoyed someone’s company this much. She was chill like me. But one very important thing, I haven’t made a move yet. Light flirting is all we were doing. I’ve just started going to therapy around now and I’m learning I have bad trust issues. Which I knew I had but the therapist made me realize it even more. I guess you don’t realize how bad it is until someone breaks it down to you. I’m much better in casual relationships than with girls I start to really like. No real risk of getting hurt and other than are you clean and on birth control I don’t have to trust them. I don’t bring them into my life at all.
So I kept thinking about the red flags, and new ones popped up. I found out she lived in the hood, which I won’t judge because my family is a little hood. I grew up in it, so I’m definitely not judging. I just know how that can go. I checked out her social media that she hadn’t been on, and I found more red flags. Bunch of weirdos commenting on her photos but that’s not her fault necessarily. However, she had a back and forth with some random guy from another state that was strange. Had an online boyfriend or something? Also some really hood guys making her their wcw, like gun in photos hood. Talking about visiting her in the other state. A relative at one point asked when she’d have her own place in the other state too, she moved there with nowhere to stay? I could go on and on. Just things that made me feel uneasy. Also had posted several months ago she was going back to school so I’m wondering why she still hadn’t. There were a lot of really great posts from her too, that fit in line with the girl I’m getting to know. I’m starting to think it’s just my trust issues and I’m scared to be in something serious. Risking getting hurt. Because as I’m seeing all this I’m not sure if I just want to be friends or not. Except I really like her. I should just trust the person I’m spending all this time with instead of looking for problems.
I also haven’t made a move because I clearly don’t know what I’m doing. I’m texting her sometimes while in bed with another girl. Could say making a move is harmless but I was worried about taking things further and then being like never mind. She was so sweet to me and didn’t deserve that. I was overthinking everything and if you haven’t figured it out already, I struggle with anxiety. Not in the mistake it for just being nervous way either. Sometimes something like swallowing food becomes a struggle for me. I’ve had anxiety attacks even but I used to not know what it was and I never told anyone. I hid it well. Until therapy, but anyway...
One day she wasn’t responding after I had asked to hang out. Because I had made her something. I actually was pretty annoyed, I immediately thought she was bs’ing me. Reason being is because I had called her earlier and she lied about something small. Not getting my last text. Which I overlooked because I accidentally put her on the spot. She said she had to go to the store and she’ll let me know when she’s done. Fine by me. But like 7 hours go by and nothing. I called, texted one more time, no response. Had she told me she was busy it would be all good. I was sick of dealing with people not being honest with me. So I was about to make plans with the girl I’m seeing casually. But I get a text later that night, an apology because she had a family emergency. I thought to myself, man I have a fucking problem. This girl had some serious stuff going on and my trust issues had me thinking stupid. I also realized how much I cared about her too. She stopped by shortly after and I gave her chocolate covered strawberries that cheered her up. She felt bad for not responding all day and said “I would never ghost you”. I told her if she ever needed me I’m here and I care about her. I was like, you know what, I need to stop being an idiot. So I planned a more romantic date for us and we cuddled up near the lake. She actually initiated it which I took as a sign she’s ready and interested too. The light flirting wasn’t really light anymore. Didn’t kiss her yet, I know I know make fun of me if you wish. She had just gotten lasik randomly and she had these thick sunglasses on the entire time.
Then I spend the night of my birthday with her a couple days later. On the drive to the date she planned for me, she told me she can’t remember most of her childhood. Another red flag. Like almost nothing, she claimed. That concerned me so I asked if she seen a doctor about it but she said no. I asked if she had a head injury or if something traumatic happened but she said no to that also. So I figured maybe we’d talk about this again one day and dropped it. Also told me she was on house arrest once. I didn’t ask questions though, I assumed it was because of her high school days. I’m really trying to overlook certain things now even though it’s been difficult. She’s been nothing but great. Like she planned this incredible night for me. She knew of this nice spot in the city that I didn’t even know about. We cuddled up on a rooftop and looked at the stars. She sang happy birthday, had me blow out candles and everything. Was all prepared. I never celebrate my birthday so this meant so much to me. We had a deep conversation that night too. I told her I once disappeared from all my friends for months because of some family problems. She said that she’s done that also, we could relate to each other so much. Her closest friend has never met her mom, my closest friends don’t know my family either. I just felt such a connection to her. Finally mentioned I go to therapy which she loved. Really letting that wall down. I felt like I could be my true self around her. Completely unfiltered with whatever I had on my mind and it felt incredible. How accepting and nonjudgmental she was. I could talk to her for hours.
So the next date I plan is a picnic like a day later and I made her some of her favorite foods that I remembered from past conversations. First date convo actually. She has this blog she stopped writing in a while ago but I promised her I’d read it. So after my birthday I did. I wrote her a private message from the blog. Asking questions, referencing parts of it. She had relationship advice mixed in so I quoted a part that basically said “to the men losing hope in women don’t, you’ll meet someone who gives you things you never knew you wanted”. I said I agree and I have at times given up. But this girl I’ve met recently has changed all of that for me. Obviously meaning her. Finished with PS You’re really cute. “Your biggest fan”. A little cheesy but she loved it. I knew she would. I had her check her email and read it on our ride there. Wrote it like I was just a fan of the blog, got creative with it.
We get everything set up and I tell her I feel lucky to have met her. That she’s the only one I’m talking to. She was saying everything back and then some while we were cuddled up again. She had said this was the most dates she had ever been on and she had never met anyone like me. She remembered every date and even the order of them. We go back to the car and I tell her how much I appreciated what she did for my birthday. Because I really did. Never had anyone do all that for me as sad as that might be. She told me she appreciates everything I do for her too. I often feel taken for granted in my life but never with her. She asked what I wished for that night when I blew out the candles, so I said “I can’t tell you or it won’t come true. I’ll give you a hint”. I gently turned her head towards me and kissed her. She acted so shy and couldn’t stop smiling. She was kissing me too. Everything seemed perfect. She said “that was the most smooth thing I’ve ever seen”. That she doesn’t know why she’s so shy she never gets like this. Rolls down the window because “it’s hot in here” which made me laugh. I drive her home and before she leaves the car she points to her lips and we kiss again. I drive home the happiest I’ve felt in a long time.
I have overlooked all red flags I previously felt, which I thought were my issues. Overcame the problems I talked about with the therapist. I couldn’t have been happier. I let myself be vulnerable and it worked, with someone that clearly cares about me like I’ve never experienced. I hadn’t seen the friends with benefits girl in a couple weeks but I told her I met someone I really like and want to see where it goes. So we ended that. The one girl I stopped talking to seriously I hadn’t seen much either, just texting occasionally and I’d hang out with her when she’d ask. I’m finally putting effort into one girl and it felt amazing. I won’t say love because I need way more time to say that but I really really liked this girl. More than any girl I’ve met. Tearing the wall down and being more trusting worked, I was thinking why didn’t I do this sooner?
We don’t talk the following day which was never a big deal to me. I wanted to plan out how I’d ask her to be my girlfriend. So I got up early to do it. I made and decorated a card. We had talked about her wanting to learn how to skip rocks so I was going to show up to this secret beach I know of early and tape it underneath one. Then go pick her up. I was probably being extra but I wanted to make things special for her. She seemed to like these types of things. After that just go back to normal and enjoy the rest of the day with her on basically a private beach. We hadn’t talked about what we wanted in a while though. This is unfamiliar territory for me because I’m used to already knowing this won’t be serious, I’m not even sure how to go about this. She had asked me after the second date and I said “just trying to meet people and see what happens”. She said the same. Before I asked I wanted to make sure she even wanted a relationship.
I wake up at like 3am that night to a missed call from her at 1. Which was odd considering she sleeps “like a grandma”. I texted her to call me back when she can. She calls on her break later to tell me she had a bad dream and wanted to talk to me. I thought that was cute and apologized for being asleep since I’m normally up late. But I had woken up early to make the card which I obviously didn’t tell her. We made plans to hang out later that day. I was looking forward to it because I had to leave my dream job that day also. It was my goodbye dinner. I was sad but she was so supportive. We talked about me working for a nonprofit which was another goal. Really helping me move forward. When it’s over I text her letting her know I’ll be heading home soon and I could pick her up. No response, so I call like an hour later and no answer. So I wait a bit for her to respond. It’s getting late though and I call again. She answers sounding tired and said she overslept. I’d be lying if I said my trust issues weren’t creeping in but I’m like no, relax. She seemed hesitant to hang out because we had like no time to but I wanted to see her before she left town for the weekend to see the other side of her family. I pick her up with like 30 minutes before her typical bedtime. Drive to a park. I told her if she was ever really tired and needed to cancel plans she could. Or if she didn’t feel good. She said that it was perfectly fine that I picked her up and she was glad I did. I told her it might sound corny but I really wanted to see her before she left. She said it isn’t at all and that it was sweet. I thought we’d have more time to talk but because of oversleeping I figured I’d wait to ask about a relationship. Why rush it anyway no point in doing all that so soon. We had a quick date at the park and just talked. She mentioned how similar we both are because we thought of the same joke. An inside joke only we’d get. She has mentioned how similar we are before. But I took her home, kissed her, told her to have fun with her family, and I went home.
We texted the next few days but really only quick in the mornings. I had plans all weekend and she was with family so again I didn’t mind. She ignored a question I asked though which was strange. A simple “how was your day?”. But then on Sunday she asked if I had any plans and I said only in the morning but I’m free later. So she asked if I wanted to hang out. I’m thinking perfect, I wasn’t sure I’d see her this weekend. Now I’ll get the chance to talk to her. I said yes and I’ll be home around 3, she didn’t respond. I get home earlier than expected and text her again letting her know but no response. I thought it was weird because she’s the one that asked me to do something. My thought was well she probably had a long weekend and she fell asleep again. Thinking she’ll text me in the morning. I’m proud of myself for the progress I’ve made with trusting. But the morning comes and I get nothing. Had a doctors appointment I was nervous about too. So I text her good morning I hope everything’s good. Nothing. I called a few times hours later and still no. Now I’m worried. But also my damn trust issues again. I told my cousin “I know this is going to sound crazy but I think she’s avoiding me”. I got the answer I expected, she thought I was overreacting and I’m reading into it too much. “She just did all that for your birthday”. I agreed but I just couldn’t shake that doubt. Didn’t want to show it though and look as crazy as I felt.
I decide I’ll call one last time before I drive past her house. Which I hated being an option in my head but I became concerned. Last time this happened was the family emergency. But she answers the call finally and tells me she lost her phone when she was out with her mom. Which was believable since she almost lost her phone with me before. She thanked me for being concerned and checking on her. She wanted to let me know but she didn’t have my number memorized. I didn’t have hers memorized either since I just click on her name in my contacts. She jokingly says she needs to get a little black book, “I’ll put your number first since it’s most important”. I laugh and say “yes and I’ll get one with only your number in it, it’s all I need”. We plan to hang out the following day.
We text the next day, she again thanks me for checking on her. But she didn’t respond to my last text and it was now almost time for me to pick her up. So I text her I’ll be on my way soon, she responded quick telling me she isn’t feeling good. That she’s going to lay down. I ask her to let me know how she’s doing after the nap. We talk an hour later and I could tell she didn’t want to go so we rescheduled again to Thursday. My trust issues have returned in a serious way, I was struggling. But feeling so stupid. I was working hard on not feeling this way anymore, so I was fighting myself. Thinking the worst of people. Failing but fighting. Things were just so great, she’d tell me if otherwise right? Had a blog about relationships so she gets it. We talk about how to treat people all the time, being kind. We told each other that we’re not talking to anyone else. But we met on a dating app so I’m sure she’s met others. She was saying all the same things I was though. I need to relax.
The following day we start texting and I talk about our plans tomorrow. She asks if she can get my opinion on something. I say of course. She tells me she thinks she wants to have her tubes tied and not have kids, that she’s afraid of how bad the world is becoming so she doesn’t want to bring a life into it. Says she’d rather adopt a child who is already struggling and try to help them instead. My response was a way we change the world for the better is for people like you to have children and raise them to have a positive impact on society. I think you’d be a great mother one day and you could always adopt too. Of course with how much I like her I think that. I wouldn’t if I didn’t. I was a little shocked about what she said. I’ve been fearing something has changed with her and now this. So I told her we can carry on with this conversation tomorrow since I had something to tell her also. She asked if we could call because she gets anxiety waiting but I said I’d rather do it in person.
Now the next day comes and I wait until a few hours before our plans to text but I get nothing. I then call like 45 minutes before and no answer. She texts me 15 minutes later and asks if she can drive to my house. We can leave from there instead of picking her up. Her house was literally on the way to the spot I wanted to take her to. She said her family was getting cameras put in and she didn’t want us to be on it. I tried telling my cousin “you see why I’m feeling how I am?”. She said “well if people are over maybe she doesn’t want them to see you”. That she has done the same to avoid the awkward conversations with family about what guy she’s talking to. In my head it was “she’s talking to another guy and doesn’t want to be seen”. Just with all the canceling of plans then this, didn’t feel right. So she shows up and we end up going to get food. She vents about work on the way there. Issues with a coworker. Talks about this coworker bringing out her temper which I haven’t seen, she’s always sweet to me. She then tells me about seeing the other side of the family. How she doesn’t like them because they’re mean and make fun of people. We arrive and start eating, but I notice it’s getting late so we’re going to run out of time to talk at the spot I had wanted. I mention it and she says we could leave now, she pays because she was sorry about canceling recently. And we leave.
On the car ride there she’s venting more but about her family in the city. How no one in her family cares about people like she does. She wants to help people even if she dies trying, at least that’s a great way to go. A little extreme to me but maybe she’s just emotional. She also said she wants to leave because her family looks at her like the old her. But she’s changed. I assume she’s referencing the past she had of fighting. I just let her vent and chimed in with little understanding comments. I’m easy to talk to for that reason. Good at just listening and making people feel comfortable. She loved that about me, my patience and understanding. We get to the spot and I give her my hoodie to wear. Then go and sit by the river. I start talking and ask “what made you text me about not having children?”. She said that she had been watching a documentary about where the world could be years from now and she didn’t want to bring a child into it. She says next that she once had a miscarriage and almost died. Definitely wasn’t expecting that. My mom had miscarriages before having me so I know a little about it. Hits closer to home. She tells me she thinks she deserved the miscarriage and all the bad in her life, that it was karma. I ask why she feels that way about herself and she responds “because I’m an inconsistent person”, then cries. I console her and told her from what I know she’s a great person and I don’t think anyone deserves that. We talk some more and I start telling her what I wanted to say.
I begin telling her how much I like her. That I’m not the best at saying it so I try to show it instead. But I wanted to say it to her now. I told her I’ve never fallen for someone like this and I’d love for her to be my girlfriend. That I don’t need a response right now because I wouldn’t want to put her on the spot. I’ve had time to think about this she hasn’t. She responds saying thank you which is almost the worst thing to hear but then she says she really likes me too. She has her head rested on my shoulder and is rubbing my chest, telling me I sounded nervous. I said it’s not something I’m good at but I’m trying. Also I was nervous because of how I’ve been doubting her lately. We get up to walk around, holding hands. Then realize it’s way past the time she’s supposed to be home. We turn around and she wraps her arm around mine and we walk back. I drive her back to her car and I go to kiss her like usual, but she covers her mouth. Says her breath isn’t great because of the food. My initial thought was did she not want to kiss me? I said “I don’t care about that” so we kiss and she leaves. Texts me when she’s home thanking me for opening up to her and that she really appreciated it. Felt weird about crying but I assured her she can around me.
Next day she texts me good morning. I had started looking up camp sites because the night before she said she would like to leave the city. I brought up camping since we discussed it before. She seemed down so I found a nice affordable spot and told her about it. But she didn’t respond. We didn’t talk much at all for days, I was trying to be understanding. I’m really having a bad feeling about everything though. I knew she was spending time with family on the weekend because I asked when she’d be free next. But we used to text all the time. Then the next week I’m trying hard to keep a conversation but I’m getting very little from her. The bare minimum. I’m really fighting myself, to the point I’m damn near depressed. I’ve been working so hard in therapy and I’m losing all my progress. Actually getting worse. I ask her to hang out and she said she’s free “one of these days” but doesn’t give me a day. Said she will. Wednesday comes and nothing so I ask her to pick a day because we’re running out of them, she says Friday.
Texting is still horrible but I book us the date. I made sure to pay extra so I could cancel if needed, had to be 24 hours notice. She said she was excited so I’m hopeful. My plan was to go on the date and find somewhere to talk after. Was going to ask about her getting distant lately, if everything is fine. The day before the date I try to get the texting back to being fun like it used to be and it worked. The conversations had been too serious lately I felt. I ask if I can call her later around 5 to talk about our plans. Texting about them wasn’t working. She says of course and we continue our fun conversation. She mentioned that she’s been waking up not knowing where she is. Scaring her dog. I’ve read about this happening to people before. Then near 330 I text her and she doesn’t respond. Another text where I asked a question. I text her if I can call 2 hours later, it’s 530, nothing. I call a few times and then text her asking to call me when she can. Now I’m panicking. If I don’t cancel in time it’d cost me a lot of money. So I felt I had no other option. I find a fake number to use, and have that number show up on her caller ID. To summarize I used a site that had our phones call each other but her phone showed a different number. She answers right away.....
I’m so angry and hurt. I’m just devastated. I put so much work into improving myself and my trust issues just for this. And told her all about it. She knew about my struggles better than anyone. She knew the person I am, why treat me like this? Luckily I’m able to cancel the date I booked but it only helped my mood slightly. I don’t text her the day of the date because we aren’t going. Then the day after, I decide despite being so hurt I’ll be an adult about it. I texted her thanking her for the good times like my birthday and that I still wish the best for her. I didn’t understand what happened but I was still grateful for that night. Now I was fully depressed. There was no damn near now. I’ve lost hope in things working out well for me and being able to rely on people. Especially after everything we talked about. My “trust issues” ending up being correct was devastating to me. I was working my dream job but had to leave it just weeks prior too, now I’ve officially been ghosted.
Days later, still hurt, I see on my phone there’s a missed call from her. I didn’t hear it so my first thought is she accidentally called me maybe trying to delete my number? But maybe not so I call her back just in case and no answer. I then text her saying “not sure if you meant to call me but if so I’d love to talk”. But my text never said delivered. Which means my number has been blocked. I’m even more hurt. I was given a shred of hope just for it to be worse. The next day my cousin gets a call that a family friends health has unexpectedly declined and they won’t make it through the day. So I drive us to the hospital. I’m struggling mentally. While I’m sitting there at the hospital my phone buzzes, it’s her....
Part 2